


Darling It's Better (Down Where It's Wetter)

by Onlymystory



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Denial of Feelings, Dirty Talk, Episode Related, I promise a happy ending, M/M, Porn With Plot, Semi-Public Sex, in multiple ways
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-18
Updated: 2020-04-21
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:28:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 21,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23197093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Onlymystory/pseuds/Onlymystory
Summary: "Who the hell is that?" asks Buck. Like he doesn't know exactly who that is. Like a week ago he wasn't enjoying one of the best fucks of his life with Eddie Diaz.Or the reason for Buck's surprise at the new recruit isn't quite for the reasons everyone thinks.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Comments: 111
Kudos: 1018





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Um, okay, so apparently now that I’m caught up on 9-11, I just want to go back and rewrite bits of various episodes from Buddie perspectives. Some will be in the same verse, some won't. I'll say in the notes if they are. I’m also thoroughly committed to finding a Disney-related title for each vignette.
> 
> As for this story...I have no idea if LA has misters. Texas and Phoenix do. Hot summer days are torture without them on pretty much every bar and restaurant patio.   
> Also I know I like just wrote something saying I loved the dynamic of a Buck who gets all subby during sex and this is like the exact opposite of that. Such is the muse.

Buck 1.0 is done. Buried. Never coming back. 

It’s just, Buck 2.0 is antsy. It’s so hot in LA that Buck is absolutely dying. Worse, he’s horny as fuck and since he doesn’t really seem to be able to keep a girlfriend around, there’s no real outlet.

He doesn’t really even have any intentions when he goes out that night. He wants a few drinks and to let loose and like yeah, he already knows that Abby isn’t coming back, but he’s not quite ready to deal with that yet. There was always a clock on their relationship--the biggest one that she didn’t want kids and he knows he does--but if he pretends to have faith in their relationship, it is free rent. Which is nothing to sneeze at in LA.

So yeah, Buck 1.0 is over. Buck 2.0 just wants to drink and dance and have a night free of worries.

It’s sweltering across Los Angeles, so the bar has all the misters going. Someone seems to have had the bright idea to pop the nozzles off, which means it’s more like a steady rain across the patio. 

Buck’s getting plenty of attention, he knows how he looks and the soaked look works for him even better. Still, no one really appeals.

Until.

Buck’s at the bar, getting himself a fresh beer, and he turns to see the most gorgeous man he’s ever seen dancing across the room. He’s got brown hair and a trail of chest hair peeking out of his v-neck. Said white shirt is soaking wet, revealing a chiseled stomach and perky nipples. Buck’s mouth waters. 

He’s about to ask for an extra beer, just to have an excuse to strike up a conversation, maybe get a dance, when the guy locks eyes with him across the room. He sways his hips just a little, bites his bottom lip, and well, Buck will admit that it has been a minute since he hooked up with a guy, but he still knows damn well what a come on looks like.

“Two tequila shots please,” he tells the bartender, sliding a twenty across the counter. “And a salt shaker.”

His eyes never leave the dancer. 

A second later, shots in one hand and shaker in the other, Buck’s making his way across the crowded bar, never losing eye contact. “I’m Buck,” he says, flashing his best ‘i look like the guy your mother would love but I’ll fuck you like your best fantasy never could’ smile. 

“Eddie,” comes the reply, loud enough to hear over the music and the crowd. 

“How do you feel about tequila shots, Eddie?”

“That depends. Did you want to do them with me or on me?”

Buck grins. Now this is exactly what he needs. No teasing, no reading between the lines. Cards on the table from the beginning. He hands one to Eddie first. “For you.” 

Eddie tilts back the shot and swallows in one smooth motion. 

Buck passes the other one over. “Hold that.” He plucks the lime wedge off the side of the glass and holds it out. Eddie smiles, opens his mouth just enough for Buck to tuck the peel between his teeth. One hand free, Buck slides a hand through Eddie’s hair, tugging hard enough to pull him back, exposing his throat. Buck’s other hand comes up with the salt shaker, sprinkling a touch across the hollow of Eddie’s throat. 

He follows the salt with this tongue, takes the shot, and sucks on the lime in Eddie’s mouth. As soon as he hits the lime, Eddie’s hands are pulling him closer, spitting the lime away a second later so Buck can taste him properly.

And oh Buck likes that taste. Lime and salt and tequila and something just this side of dangerous. He tugs on Eddie’s hair again, evoking a throaty moan from the man, and kisses ever deeper. 

Then he’s turning Eddie around and pulling him flush against him, sucking mean hickeys into the side of his neck. “Walk,” he commands. He stays pressed up against Eddie as he obeys, Buck’s cock throbbing in his jeans. 

There’s another reason Buck likes this bar. He may not have been planning on a hookup tonight, but he definitely came in open to the idea. And this particular bar knows its clientele. There are seventeen tucked away spots on the property where no one will see you unless they come looking. Buck’s familiar with most of them. 

Right now he’s maneuvering Eddie to one of the lesser known ones, a little alcove in the wall just before a back exit gate, hidden by a curtain of ivy.

As soon as they’re hidden, Eddie spins back around and yanks Buck down to kiss again. “Oh fuck,” he breathes. “Buck. I need…”

“I know exactly what you need,” replies Buck. His hands deftly unbuckle Eddie’s belt and jeans and shove them down around Eddie’s knees. “Turn around.”

Eddie turns, head tilted back against Buck’s shoulder, throat red and soaked from where Buck’s had his mouth. 

“Hands on the wall,” commands Buck. He pushes two fingers towards Eddie’s mouth and is pleased when Eddie leans forward to suck on them. When Buck pulls his fingers away, Eddie drops a hand for a moment and motions towards his pants. “Front pocket,” he starts, cutting off with a loud “fuck!” when Buck slaps his hand. “I said hands on the wall.” He uses the fingers Eddie sucked on to start working him open and pulls a packet of lube and a condom out of his own pocket. “I mean, I’m not sure this is what the boy scouts had in mind,” he teases, “but I did come prepared.”

Eddie’s writhing against his fingers, so gorgeously desperate that Buck hurriedly (and a bit haphazardly) gets his own pants far enough off with one hand. He pulls his fingers out so he can get the condom on a bit more smoothly, ignoring Eddie’s leaking cock and needy moans the entire time. 

The music from the bar completely drowns them out, though right now, Buck can’t say he isn’t a little tempted to put Eddie on display. 

“Ready?” he asks.

“I’ve been ready, you fucking tease,” snaps Eddie. “C’mon and fuck me already.”

Buck nips at Eddie’s jawline. “Ask me nicely.”

“Please fuck me.”

It’ll do. Buck starts out slow, darting little kisses to the back of Eddie’s neck as he presses in, cock relishing the tight hold Eddie’s body has on him. There’s just something about fucking men that satisfies something primal in Buck. It’s another reminder that he and Abby weren’t meant to be long term. Or it would be, if he was thinking about anything other than the wet heat of Eddie’s body and the salty taste of Eddie’s skin. 

“That’s it, baby,” he breathes against Eddie. “You can take me, take all of me, doing so good.” He rocks his hips forward, slaps Eddie’s flank when he tries to reach a hand down to his own cock. “Not yet. Not until I say.” 

He fucks Eddie in smooth, steady motions, hands on Eddie’s hips and bites down hard at Eddie’s clavicle as he comes. When he’s done, Buck pulls out and spins Eddie around. “Get yourself off,” he orders. “Impress me.”

“Fuck,” moans Eddie, but he’s obeying so quickly, getting a hand around his dick and stroking rapidly. Eddie’s other hand is on the back of Buck’s neck, pulling him close enough that Buck can feel Eddie’s panting breath against his neck. Buck wants to kiss him again, to taste him again, but he also wants to watch, so he keeps his eyes down while Eddie keeps stroking, quick and rough, until Eddie’s spilling over his own hand. 

Buck pulls said hand up before Eddie can wipe it off, sucks each finger clean, and then kisses Eddie again, wet and messy.

“That was amazing,” says Eddie when they pull apart a few minutes later.

“Hell yeah,” answers Buck, pulling his clothes back on. Eddie does the same. “That was exactly what I needed.”

“Same,” says Eddie. He looks at Buck and shrugs. “Have a good night, Buck.”

“Yeah you too,” he replies. A fuck that good and no awkward morning after. Seriously, this is one hell of a night. Buck watches as Eddie exits first and makes his way back through the bar crowd and towards the door. Then he’s out the side gate and headed home for a peaceful night’s sleep.

* * *

“Okay, that is a beautiful man,” says Chimney, interrupting Buck’s admittedly condescending assessment of their calendar chances.

Buck turns to see what’s captured everyone’s attention. And shit. Shit fucking balls. “Who the hell is that?” he asks as though he hasn’t already licked his way down that eight pack before. Or isn’t intimately familiar with the impressive cock inside those pants. 

“Eddie Diaz. New recruit.”

Buck follows the rest of his crew over for introductions, hoping against hope that Eddie doesn’t say something horribly embarrassing. Buck couldn’t give two shits if his team knows he’s bisexual. Hell, surely they picked up on it at some point during his Buck 1.0 phase. But he’s trying to be different now, even if Eddie was the best relapse he’s ever had. Chimney will never let him forget this. 

But Eddie gives nothing away other than the slightest eye raise when Bobby introduces them. 

“So, how are you settling in?” asks Hen.

“I’d appreciate a tour,” says Eddie, giving Buck a quick side glance. “Just to get a feel of the place.”

“I’m sure Buck would be happy to show you around and welcome our newest recruit,” says Bobby, his voice pointed as though he thinks Buck will try to argue. 

For the sake of appearances, Buck acts ungraciously but agrees. “Yeah whatever man, follow me.” He’s vocal about the different areas of the fire house as they move through the bay and the gym, introducing Eddie to members of the team. At one point he stops suddenly and Eddie falters against him, a searing line of heat. 

Buck continues through the inside of the station, showing the bunk area and the showers. 

“What’s that room?” asks Eddie.

“Storage closet,” answers Buck. He does his best to act like he doesn’t want to shove Eddie against the wall and see if he tastes as good as he remembers.

“Can I see?”

“The closet?”

Eddie shrugs. “I mean, be good to know what’s where before an emergency, right?”

“Alright,” answers Buck, opening the door. He takes a couple steps inside and turns on the light. This particular closet is pretty boring if he’s honest. There’s not even cool medical equipment. It’s just binders and training manuals, somewhere to stash the office stuff no one wants to deal with until they have to. He starts to say as much to Eddie.

“Yeah, that’s great,” snaps Eddie. He pushes the door shut behind them and flips the lock before pushing Buck against the wall of shelves. “Now please shut the fuck up and let me suck your dick,” he says as he drops to his knees, hands working open Buck’s fatigues. “I haven’t been able to stop wondering what you taste like for a week.”

And, well, Buck won’t argue with that.

He’s pretty sure the new recruit is going to work out just fine. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Post Buck and Eddie removing the grenade from the guy's leg.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Go figure as soon as I say these will be one-shots my brain is like yeah, but what if it wasn’t? What if we just write a Buddie from day 1 story? You can totally use another plot bunny. Anyway, I’m still marking it as complete because I’m going to write each chapter as a continuation of the one before, but also with a solid feeling ending. That way it won’t feel like a WIP. But if you like it, subscribe because I’m sure I’ll add more.   
> Also I’m feeling like this is more sex and fluff and feels kind of story, versus angsty cuz I’m working on an angsty as fuck story so this can be like my outlet.

“You guys hungry?” asks Eddie, like the ambulance they were just in didn’t blow to kingdom come behind them. 

Except the thing is, Buck’s definitely hungry. Starving actually. He could probably put down three burgers without blinking. Weird.

They’re still technically in the middle of a shift, so the best they can do is stopping at Tommy’s on the way back to the station. Buck has his first chili cheeseburger down before the ladder truck even pulls into the bay. Bobby’s laughing at him, which would kind of bother Buck, but when he looks over at Eddie, the man’s blushing as he crumples his own empty wrapper and shoves it back in the bag. 

Buck’s finishing his second as they swing out of the truck. 

“Try and get some shut-eye,” advises Bobby as he heads upstairs towards the bunks. 

“Yeah, for sure, Cap,” answers Buck. “I just gotta shower first.” He raises an arm and sniffs to prove his point. “I’m feeling ripe.”

Bobby just shakes his head. “I never need as much information as you try to give me. Eddie, you coming up?”

“I could actually use a shower too,” comes the reply as Eddie swings his bag off the truck, checks that it’s stocked and pops it into the replacement ambulance in the bay. 

Bobby nods at them, already halfway up and clearly not caring that much.

Buck’s gotta say, his shower feels amazing. He’s always been a fan of starting with a burst of cold water, just to feel refreshed, before he turns the heat up and actually focuses on the shower part. He wasn’t even anywhere near the explosion but it still feels like he’s covered in dust and debris. “Hey nice job again out there, man,” he calls as he hears Eddie step into a nearby shower stall.

“Thanks, Buck.”

Of course, now that Buck’s adrenaline has settled and he’s gotten rid of that weirdness where for a minute he thought Eddie would replace him on the team--he knows now that Eddie fits in a space they probably didn’t even realize was open--he’s pretty quickly back to thinking about the fact that Eddie is in the shower next to him. Naked. Wet. Naked. 

_ Get it the fuck together _ , thinks Buck. He works with this guy and even though Eddie clearly didn’t have any sort of pretend it never happened hang-ups, it doesn’t mean this is going to be a thing. 

“Hey Buck?” Eddie’s voice carries just enough for Buck to hear him, not so much that anyone at the station would wake up. Though, that is the point of the showers. Easy to get out of and dressed if a call comes through, not near the bunks to make noise. 

“Yeah?”

“You ever watch that show Buffy the Vampire Slayer?”

“Uh yeah, actually, why?” Buck could swear he hears Eddie’s shower curtain being pulled back. 

“You remember how Faith feels after she kills a vampire?” Eddie sounds closer. “After all that danger?”

And yeah, Buck remembers. He pulls back his own curtain, knowing Eddie’s standing outside it and he is not disappointed. Buck leans back against the wall, his cock hardening by the second and he takes a second to reach down and help it along. He looks his fill as Eddie steps into his space. Buck’s been intimately familiar with a fair amount of Eddie’s anatomy, but he hasn’t yet had the chance to really take his time. “Damn, Diaz,” he says, low and slow. “You are a grower.”

Eddie rolls his eyes and pulls him in for a kiss. “This is not the time, Buck. Showers are supposed to be quick, someone’s gonna come in here if we take too long.”

“You’re the one who suddenly needs a good fuck,” retorts Buck. 

“I just want to get off,” replies Eddie, one hand holding steady on the back of Buck’s neck, the other reaching between them both to wrap his hands around their cocks. “And for some reason I really like getting off with you.”

“I can tell,” says Buck, cocky as shit. But fuck, Eddie’s hand feels amazing. His body’s pressed in tight to Buck’s, water sluicing off his pecs and making his nipples stand out. Eddie’s body is like one long line of heat and while Buck may be mouthing off a bit, most of his attention is on just how good Eddie’s dick feels against his. 

Eddie twists his hand, making Buck groan. Eddie swallows the sound with his lips. “Shh!”

Buck responds by adding his hand to Eddie’s and working at getting them off faster. “I really wish you had time to fuck me,” he says.

“The first chance I get to fuck you,” returns Eddie, “I’m going to take my time and make you beg. Because you act all cocky, Buckley, but I’m willing to bet you can be very, very good. Especially if I tied you to the headboard. Made you wait for it.”

And fuck if this guy doesn’t manage to figure out all of Buck’s secrets. He responds simply by kissing Eddie, fucking his way into his mouth with his tongue, their hands stroking faster between them. They’re practically panting into each other’s mouths after a few seconds, as Buck comes with a gasp and Eddie follows a split second later.

* * *

“So you wanna make this a regular thing?” asks Eddie when they’re getting dressed a few minutes later.

“The sex or the secrecy? Or both?”

“Both,” suggests Eddie, a little hesitantly.

Buck gives him a look. “Depends on why the secrecy.”

“I don’t really care if people know my sexuality, but I really don’t want to deal with the level of crap we’d get from everyone if they knew.”

“You uh, do realize that’d be easier if you weren’t jumping me in every corner of the fire station, right?” laughs Buck.

Eddie chuckles. “Fair point. So no sex at the station, our business stays our business, but we keep doing this?”

It sounds great. Buck’s pretty sure a lot of people would have some opinions on the idea of a friends with benefits arrangement, but in the moment, he’s thinking this might actually be exactly what he needs. Buck 1.0 never had consistency. Sure he got off, but Buck knows what he likes and frankly, he likes being with someone who knows his body and who he knows in return. Sex is so much better when you aren’t second guessing your moves. And Buck 2.0 got the relationship, but no one seems to really want the relationship that he does. The one with the house and the kid and well, family. 

Someday he’ll get that. In the meantime Eddie’s hot and available and Buck’s definitely over Chimney getting to weigh in and judge his relationship choices, so the secrecy isn’t the worst idea. Plus when he thinks about the idea of giving up sex this good…”Eddie,” he says, reaching out his hand.  _ “I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea if Original Tommy’s would be near them, but those chili cheeseburgers are the fucking bomb.   
> The Buffy the Vampire Slayer reference is from when after killing vampires, Faith says “Isn’t it crazy how slaying just makes you hungry and horny?”  
> The beautiful friendship line is from Casablanca.  
> I really regret not calling this Buddies with Benefits.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, so apparently this isn't same-universe-one-shots anymore. I like have exactly the next sex scene in mind that I wanted to write, but I was like it'll mean so much more if there's some story behind it and well, we all know how that goes. So here, have some plot and I'll be back shortly with your regularly scheduled pornography.
> 
> I mapped out the story I want to tell now and it should be 8 total chapters.

Buck’s gotta say, these last several weeks since Eddie joined the 118 have been amazing. They haven’t been a whole lot better about not fucking at the fire station--though they still haven’t gotten caught--shocking when he considers how often Bobby used to catch him screwing around while on duty. 

Otherwise, their cars work just fine. Buck knows that theoretically, he could bring Eddie over to Abby’s place. Everybody thinks he’s still hung up on her, that he hasn’t accepted what’s going on and that’s why he’s still there. He’s a little offended that they all think he’s really that dense. Buck and Abby had their talk a couple days after he and Eddie hooked up at the bar, though before Eddie started at the 118.

It went pretty well.

_ After a few pleasantries, Buck just jumps into it. “Look, Abby, we need to have an actual, honest conversation.” _

_ “Okay. What’s on your mind?” _

_ “I slept with someone else.” _

_ “Oh,” says Abby. “Um…” _

_ “And the thing is, I think I’m supposed to feel bad about it, but I don’t. I had a great time. I don’t mean to sound like an asshole, it’s just...I never even thought about what our situation was until later, back at your apartment.” Buck sighs. “Look, I really don’t want to come across as the jerk that I used to be.” _

_ “Buck,” interrupts Abby. “I answered your call from another man’s bed. So I definitely don’t consider you a jerk.” _

_ “We broke up the day you left, didn’t we?” _

_ It’s Abby’s turn to sigh. “Yeah I think we did. I just wasn’t ready to admit it. I think a part of me thought if you were there, living in my place, I could still hold on to a piece of my life.” _

_ “This was never really your life, Abs. It was your mom’s and you found a place in it to take care of her.” _

_ “Sometimes it seems like I’m betraying her, not wanting to come back.” _

_ “From the little time I did get to spend with her,” offers Buck, “I don’t think she’d feel that way at all.” _

_ “Thank you, Buck,” says Abby softly. “I’m sorry I wasn’t honest with you when I left.” _

_ “I’m sorry if I was selfish enough to make you think you couldn’t be.” _

_ He pauses for a moment. “I’m going to start finding my own place soon. What do you want me to do with yours?” _

_ “You don’t have to leave Buck. If I do come back, I’ll make sure to give you enough notice.” _

_ “I need something to feel like mine. But do you want me to set up a cleaning service or caretaker or something?” _

_ There’s quiet for a moment. Abby takes a deep breath. “Could you have everything put in storage for me, actually? And give notice with the landlord?” _

_ “Abby, are you sure?” _

_ “Yeah. I’m sure, Buck. It’s not my home anymore and with you helping cut that tie, I think I can stop hanging on. I need to live my own life.” _

_ They talk for a few more minutes and hang up.  _

The rest of their conversation had been the logistics. Buck would stay another three months, giving him time to get all of Abby’s things in storage, the 60 day notice given, and find a place that worked for him. Abby had more than enough from her mother’s life insurance policy and when he’d argued that it probably wasn’t fair of him to keep mooching off free rent, she’d assured him that wasn’t her perspective at all. 

He’d been the lifeline she needed during the last year and for her, this was the least she could do.

Buck too was grateful. He’d wanted to become someone else, become someone better than the guy who fucked around and only cared about himself. He had. 

And Abby was a part of that. 

He had to take a minute of introspection after he and Eddie agreed to be...well, whatever it is they’ve agreed to be. Was he reverting back to old Buck? But ultimately he decided no. He knew who he was, knew what he wanted. Consistent (and fantastic) sex with the same person was a lot better than random hookups. 

And someday, he’d meet someone. Or Eddie would meet someone. Buck would find that person who shared his dreams. The dreams of a family. He wants kids, wants to be able to shower all the love he holds on a family of his own. To know that he’s coming home to his people, not an empty house. 

Until he finds the person who cherishes the idea of family too, Buck’s life is pretty good.

So naturally, when Eddie goes slightly manic at not being able to reach his son, Buck’s heart skips a beat and his brain goes “Oh shit.”

When he drops Eddie off at the school that night and sees the way Eddie’s face lights up at the sight of Christopher, the way he spins his kid around in the air and laughs, free and relaxed, Buck knows he’s completely fucked.

He finds his own apartment two days later and refuses to look too closely at why. 

~

The day starts off great. LA is healing post-earthquake and life at the 118 has been settling out. Buck found his own place. He hasn’t told anyone but Eddie so far. 

This morning before their shift, Eddie was in the cheeriest of moods, saying he and his kid had a good morning together. There’s an hour before they have to be in their fatigues and ready for Cap’s briefing, so they spend it in the back of Buck’s jeep, with Buck using every trick at his disposal to take Eddie apart with his mouth. 

He pulls off the tiniest bit too soon and gets a splash of cum on his face. He tells himself it’s just the heat of the moment that makes Eddie yank him back down so he can kiss Buck’s face clean. 

It’s less convincing when the moment is broad daylight on a side street two blocks from work in his jeep. 

At least, it feels like more. 

But when it’s done, Eddie’s in a wham-bam-thank you ma’am kind of mood, so Buck shakes off these recurring feelings he keeps getting and rolls right back into bro mode.

Their first call of the day is exactly what Buck needs. A chance to smash some concrete and exercise what frustration he has over the morning, without letting it fall back on the crew. 

The second call is just a lesson in the stupidity of other people, with a girl stuck in a tailpipe.

“Your idea of flirting with a girl is daring her to stick her head in your tailpipe?” asks Eddie, his tone dripping with judgment.

Buck can’t even with that, it’s like Eddie doesn’t even hear himself, and with a laugh, rolls underneath the truck to check out the situation. 

When he rolls back out after his initial assessment, he comes up closer to Eddie than he means to and Buck has to catch himself before he inhales Eddie’s scent. 

Talk about fucked.

One of the drunk girls asks for his number and at his response of “Yeah, I’m not available,” he sees Bobby give him a look out of the corner of his eye. Buck knows a talk is coming between them. He needs it--Bobby’s the closest thing he’s ever had to a father figure--but he also can’t exactly say the truth. Hey, Bobby, you know how you thought I’d be super jealous and ridiculous about Eddie joining the crew? Turns out I’d fucked him at a bar a few nights before and now we’ve pretty much blown or jerked each other off in every room at the fire station and you definitely don’t want to be in my car because even with Febreze, the only person breathing happy is me. Oh, and I thought the whole friends with benefits thing would work because we want different things and it was for a while. But then I found out that Eddie’s got a kid and he’s a pretty intense family guy and that’s kind of my dream so basically I found the perfect guy and the only he wants from me is a good fuck.

Sure, cuz that’s the conversation that Bobby wants to have. 

His heart leaps in his chest despite his best efforts to will it back down when Eddie gets hit on as well, but turns her down as not his type since he has a son. 

“Is your son really the reason you don’t date?” asks Buck as they’re walking away.

“That and they’re not my type,” replies Eddie and Buck knows that look. That’s the look that says pretend you want to do a couple laps around the fire station when we get back but really means meet me in the storage closet because I’m ready to go.

“Not mine either,” says Buck. “At least not anymore.” And if his eyes linger on Eddie’s ass, that’s his business. 

Then Eddie’s phone rings, the tone of his voice changes, and Buck drops all thought of sex. 

At the hospital Eddie looks stressed beyond belief at his aunt’s words and his frustration at all the red tape of bureaucracy. As a veteran and a first responder, there should be plenty of assistance available to him, but it sounds like he’s been getting the nonstop run around. Buck wishes he could help, wishes he knew anything about that. 

Although...maybe he does have a way to help. 

He steps away and calls Bobby, giving him a heads up on the situation. Bobby’s on his way back to the station as well, but he assures Buck that Christopher can definitely be there. Bobby says he’ll tell dispatch to send them on low level calls for a few hours if at all possible, otherwise Eddie will just stay behind. 

Of course, being Buck, he kind of forgets that Eddie hasn’t been around long enough to understand how Bobby is about kids, and doesn’t relay the reassurance. 

When Eddie starts to freak out and Bobby soothes him, Buck knows he has to apologize. He takes his chance as the dispatch call comes through. 

“Sorry man,” offers Buck. “I completely spaced telling you I talked to Cap.”

“You did this? For me?” asks Eddie. He looks like he might cry.

“Well yeah, I mean, you shouldn’t have to worry about getting in trouble for being a good father. Everybody needs help sometimes.” Buck allows himself a quick squeeze of Eddie’s shoulder as he goes downstairs. 

~

Not to be overly Dickens about it, but it’s the best of days and the worst of days. 

Christopher is hands down the best kid ever. He loves every minute of his time at the fire station. Eddie practically glows around his son and it makes Buck yearn.

He wants. 

And he’s not supposed to want this.

Not with Eddie.

~

“We hardly ever even talk,” says Buck to Bobby. “I mean, we do, but its either serious talks with other people, or it’s just like sex when its just us.”

Bobby gives him a look that says he doesn’t want to know about his sex life. Buck shudders to think what kind of look he’d get if Bobby knew he wasn’t talking about phone sex with Abby but actual sex with Eddie.

“It’s just, it’s the perfect situation. Everything I want. But what if we don’t want the same things? What if I’m not the right guy?”

The door to the ATM falls. 

“You know I’m the wrong person to be talking to,” says Bobby. “Talk to the one that matters.”

~

The mood after they lose Daniel is somber among the entire team. 

What Buck really wants is to lose himself in Eddie’s arms. But that’s not what they do. It’s not who they are.

He goes to sleep early and wonders if he made a mistake.

Scratch that.

He wonders if this is a mistake he’ll be able to come back from.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so here’s our big misunderstanding chapter. This one is switching to Eddie’s POV for the duration. I did my best to make it clear by the locations and/or setting up the scenes what Buck might have seen and possibly misinterpreted. Consider as well that Buck’s mindset right now is that Eddie just wants some great sex. I just wanted to get in Eddie’s head a little bit and this seems like the right chapter.
> 
> So this covered more episodes than I realized initially, but I wanted Eddie’s POV up to a certain point. For those who are curious, this chapter takes us to S2 E7.

Eddie’s wired. He’s restless and he feels hyper and he knows, he knows that he and Buck haven’t had any sort of actual conversation about what they are. 

They don’t fuck anywhere but their cars or the station or the rare bar bathroom quickie. Eddie’s got Christopher at home, so that’s out as long as they’re doing whatever this is. Though he doubts Christopher would be mad at Buck being there. He’s too young to really get what it could be and it’s clear that his son adores Buck. 

Buck’s place--or well, Abby’s place--always seemed odd. The ghost of his last relationship is there. Buck’s never suggested it and so neither has Eddie. 

Now though, now it’s like there’s something building up within. 

It’s been there since Buck said I’ve got someone I want you to meet and his heart seized up, just for a second, before he got confused because why would he need to meet someone and then Buck introduced him to Carla. 

It’s ridiculous. It is. The best gift anyone’s ever given him was the ability to take care of his son. Buck makes a couple of phone calls and it’s like the cloud of weight hanging over Eddie’s shoulders, the weight he’s been desperately trying to hide from his son, is lifted. It’d be one thing if Buck had just come in and shared a bit of the burden. But no. Buck’s call to Bobby resulted in his being included on what is apparently the 118 parental group chat. There so they can trade off babysitting and tips and whatever. The call to Carla has his insurance kicking in to actually pay for Carla as a home health aid, scholarship coverage to several private schools for Christopher, and other much needed aid for medication and treatment. 

It’s so much.

It’s too much. 

It’s everything. 

And now, Eddie isn’t exactly sure what he wants, not overall, but he knows he wants Buck. Needs Buck. 

Christopher was invited to a sleepover with Harry and Denny, so his night is free. Hen and Michael reassured him that the house is equipped with a first aid kit a paramedic would be jealous of and they have all the right information if he’s needed. 

Chris of course was ecstatic at the idea of a sleepover. 

And so, Eddie’s night is free. He ends up at Buck’s new apartment, hand raised to knock at the door, a live wire dancing a dangerous beat. 

Buck answers after a couple of minutes. He looks, for lack of a better word, delectable. “Dios,” mutters Eddie, grabs fistfuls of Buck’s shirt and reels him in, making the kiss as wet and dirty and full of promise as he can possibly make it.

“Eddie?”

Eddie shakes his head. Words are never really his strong suit, but particularly not tonight. “I need…” he begs. 

“Okay, okay,” agrees Buck, backing them both into the apartment and kicking his door shut behind them. “Anything you want.” There’s a sort of desperation in Buck’s eyes too, a look that makes Eddie wonder, but it’s not what he needs. 

“Upstairs,” he demands, pushing them there already, maneuvering Buck up the stairs, working at his best to divest both of them of their clothes by the time they reach the loft. 

Buck falls back against the bed, bouncing a little. Eddie just watches, appreciates the view. 

When Buck reaches a hand down to stroke his cock, Eddie stops him. “No,” he says hoarsely. He takes Buck’s wrists in his hands, pushes Buck’s arms up over his head, makes him grab onto the headboard. “Let me,” he orders, begs, insists. He’s not sure if he’s the one in control or the one in desperate need. Eddie just knows what he wants. He wants to thank Buck, to show him, the best way Eddie knows how, what it means that Buck would put such a priority on helping Eddie and his family. 

Eddie doesn’t waste any more time. He’s been desperate for ages to get his mouth on Buck again, to take his time with him and so he does. Wraps his mouth around Buck’s cock and takes him deep. He makes the blow job as sloppy and messy as he can, uses his hands to flick at Buck’s nipples--though Buck stays obedient and doesn’t move his hands away from the headboard. 

His hips cant upwards, fucking Eddie’s mouth even though it seems like Buck’s trying to hold back. 

Eddie pulls off just long enough to look up at Buck. “It’s okay,” he murmurs, that tinge of desperation still there. “I want you to.”

Buck moves without abandon now, his hands still, but his hips working overtime. Eddie takes it, takes all of it, and wants more. He can tell Buck’s close, so close, but he pulls off, leaning over just enough to reach for the nightstand and the supplies Buck keeps at hand. There’s a part of Eddie that wishes they could forgo condoms, wants to feel Buck completely. But that’s not what they do. That’s a relationship level they haven’t hit and Eddie knows, he knows it’s asking too much of Buck to ask him to commit on that level. A full relationship is a commitment not just to Eddie, but to Christopher as well. Eddie can’t--won’t--put that pressure on him. 

So instead he takes his time opening Buck up, whispering words of encouragement until Buck is panting and desperate, begging Eddie to fuck him. 

Eddie slides in steady, fucks Buck in long, slow movements, reaching between them at the last possible second to stroke Buck in time with his thrusts, bringing them both over the edge at nearly the same time. 

He’s not supposed to get to stay after these moments. Hell, they’ve never actually done this in a bed before, probably so it’s an easy getaway. The wham-bam-thank you sir of late hasn’t felt right though. 

Eddie knows he needs to move, keeps telling himself to get up. 

But Buck eventually rises and gets a warm cloth, wipes them both down, and pulls the sheets up over them both before Eddie can find the will to leave. Buck’s hand rests on his chest, his mouth whispers “stay”, so Eddie does. 

He falls asleep dreaming of a reality that cannot be. 

* * *

It feels like something changes. 

Eddie doesn’t want to put too much hope in it, but the air feels different. 

Buck reaches out to ask if he’ll help move some furniture for Maddie, promises pizza and beer. Chim is there too, which Eddie think maybe this is more of a single guys at the station thing, but Buck’s attentive and nearby at every turn, hovering right on the edge of boyfriend behaviour. He can’t help the bit of smugness he feels when Buck comments on how cute he is, but how Christopher is more so. 

There’s not much beyond that. Buck doesn’t give anything away towards Maddie or Chimney, both of whom are probably enough in their own world that they wouldn’t even notice if Eddie started making out with Buck right in front of them.

But they get a few little looks, a couple stolen touches, and when they’re done for the day and driving home, they barely get a few blocks away before Buck’s sucking him off in his truck.

* * *

Eddie hates Taylor Kelly. Hates her with every fiber of his being. He doesn’t trust her anymore than he can throw her. 

She flirts with Buck and Eddie knows Buck, knows what Buck flirting looks like, so he knows this is just Buck being his charming, courteous self. He knows it doesn’t mean anything. But then, maybe it does. Maybe Buck thinks this could be the right Abby replacement. After all, Taylor’s attractive and single and doesn’t come with the baggage of a kid. 

Eddie wants to think something’s changed with him and Buck but he has to admit that it could just be that Buck’s appreciating the comfort and versatility that an apartment offers, without wanting to upgrade whatever this is. 

But he doesn’t like her. Taylor Kelly strikes Eddie as cold and calculating. The sort of person who takes advantage where it benefits her without caring what’s left in her wake.

When she shows up at the fire station, he can’t help himself, drops his workout to interrupt Buck’s conversation. Eddie uses the pretense of caring about her, of making sure she’s healthy. He doesn’t know how to read the looks Buck gives him, the one that seems pissed about something. Eddie tells himself if Buck really wants to see this woman, he’ll find a way, a little obstacle won’t matter. 

Hen seems to read the same thing in Taylor that Eddie sees. Conniving, manipulative. Hen doesn’t seem perturbed by it, recognizes someone working to get a leg up in the world. Eddie might be able to recognize the same thing, even value it, if said leg up wasn’t also trying to wrap around his boyf...shit. Whatever, he fucking hates Tayor Kelly.

* * *

At least while they work, Buck is his. 

There seems to be no paying attention to Taylor when they’re on calls. Buck’s the consummate professional as always, his eyes on the victim while they work, eyes flickering to Eddie when they’re done. 

If he takes pleasure in getting to shoo Taylor and her cameraman away from them at various times through the day, he’s...well, he’s not really even trying to hide it. And hey, Bobby seems to hate her even more than he does, so Eddie’s not alone in his distaste for the woman. 

By silent agreement, there’s no stolen kisses, no shower sex. The news cameraman seems to have a knack for popping up in the middle of private conversations and Eddie doesn’t trust Taylor Kelly not to show up where she shouldn’t. 

He hates it though. Wishes it wasn’t this way. 

He just wants a chance to talk to Buck. To see what page he’s on, if they’re even reading the same book. 

* * *

“Do you think some things are just meant to be?” asks Eddie as they drive away from the station the morning of Halloween.

“Like fate?” queries Buck.

“Yeah, I guess. Sometimes I just wonder if there’s something that moves us in certain directions or if we control our own destiny.” Eddie’s not really sure where this is coming from. In all honesty, he’s usually the last person to consider the hand of fate. He prefers to own his actions. But Buck has seemed caught up in an idea of more ever since they rescued that hiker.

And though Eddie knows that the Captain’s explanation of other hikers calling and dropping the phone so as not to get in trouble, without knowing it would fall near the remains of another hiker, is far more likely...he can’t really help but wonder. It’s not like him to have made the sort of choices that brought him to that bar a few months ago. Hasn’t been a hook-up kind of guy in years. 

Maybe he’s just fishing, he muses. Searching for a sign that isn’t there to shed light on a relationship that doesn’t exist. 

They pick up Christopher and head to Eddie’s to carve pumpkins and help make Christopher’s costume. 

Par for the course, Buck spends most of his time laughing and grinning with Christopher. Eddie manages one kiss when Chris goes to the bathroom, his pulse races at the look Buck gives him in return.

“Another time, Diaz, another time,” says Buck and Eddie interprets it like a promise. 

“I know,” says Eddie. “I don’t want Christopher to…” he trails off, unsure how to finish. 

“I get it,” replies Buck, but his tone is off and he’s already in the kitchen making assurances about his cleaning skills. 

Eddie wants to ask, wants to reassure Buck that he has no expectations, doesn’t expect Buck to take on more than this role of good friend. But he’s too much of a coward, too worried that Buck will run if he presses, will read too clearly the desperation in Eddie’s eyes. 

* * *

The last thing Eddie expects is to have to call Shannon. To tell her that he’s been in Los Angeles for months now. 

He knows what she’ll think, that she’ll assume he came for her and, for whatever reason, just hasn’t been able to call her yet. 

She’d be right. And yet so, so wrong. 

When he moved to LA, he was absolutely following. It’s not like they had a real goodbye, not like they ended things in any way resembling normal. Her mom had been sick and so of course she was going, how could she not? Eddie had resolutely refused to listen to the warnings that lurked in the back of his mind. The ones that said this was more than a visit. 

At the time, both he and Shannon seemed to be clinging to an idea, to a dream of who they once were, if they were ever really that at all. 

He hadn’t wanted to look into the awkwardness of their reunion, the way family had made it a big welcome home affair at the airport, but he barely knew his son and kissing his wife felt like kissing a stranger. He’d thrown himself into getting to know Christopher and pushed aside the nagging reminder that he and Shannon kept growing apart. 

Eddie knows what he said, knows he let his side of the family rip Shannon apart and agreed more easily than he should. After all, he ran too. He just...he thought maybe since she knew how hard it was to be a single parent, how much more demanding Christopher’s needs were, that she’d stay and try doing this together. Something in him knew the day they waved goodbye at the airport, the hugs at the curb, that those were more than a see you in a few weeks. 

Over time, it went from an inkling of a feeling to reality. Shannon’s mom was sicker than she thought, she needed to stay longer. There were funeral arrangements, she couldn’t come home yet. No, don’t come out here, don’t put Christopher through that. 

And then it was, I’m not coming back, I can’t do this anymore. 

It was please don’t call and I’m sorry.

It was a disconnected number and an empty house and Eddie alone and overwhelmed, feeling like he was treading water for years with no way up. 

After a year, Eddie had followed. Made excuses about Pepa and Abuela and other LA cousins. Pretended he couldn’t see the looks in the eyes of the rest of his family, the ones that said she’s not worth this. 

And then he got here and he couldn’t do it. Couldn’t pick up the phone and call. Couldn’t risk that she’d say no and Christopher would have his heart broken all over again. 

So he signed up to be a firefighter. The pay was better with his medic experience. He made it through training easily. 

Pepa had taken Christopher for a night with the cousins, told Eddie to go out, blow off some steam, be single for five minutes. 

That was the night he met Buck.

The night he felt alive, more so than he felt any time that wasn’t with his son, in years. 

And so he doesn’t know how to react to Shannon in their home. He always thought she’d fill in the missing places in their home, but Buck has been pushing the shadows away for weeks, creating laughter and memories instead. He doesn’t remember how to be in the same house as her, isn’t sure they ever knew. He was 2 months into his first tour when Shannon found out she was pregnant, went right back out as soon as it was over. 

She was gone within a few months of him coming home. 

They started out without the time to see who they could be as a family and when they had the chance, went running away. 

They fight like they always have. He knows best, she knows best, what’s best for Christopher?

Shannon feels wrong in the house, feels like something itching under his skin. Eddie wants Christopher to have his mom around, but he’s nervous, too uncertain to acquiesce. Maybe she’s learned, but it devastated both of them to have her slip slowly away, making promises that they learned to doubt, assurances that never came to fruition. 

He can’t do that to Christopher again, will push Shannon away before he lets her hurt their son. Their little boy has suffered too much at the cowardice of both his parents.

He can’t push away her arguments though. They did the same thing, both running, both refusing to be support for each other until there was nothing to support. 

* * *

Eddie tries. This school is perfect for Christopher. It’s not too far from their house--though it’s mere minutes from Buck’s place. They could walk if they wanted. It’s on the way from their home to the fire station too, so Eddie should be able to drop Christopher off most mornings and snag a couple hours of overtime. 

His phone rings and he smiles as Buck’s face appears on the call screen. “Hey.”

“Hey yourself,” says Buck. His tone is teasing and playful, the kind that Eddie’s grown used to promising very good things in his future. He wishes he had the time to enjoy them today. “Wanna come over, unwind…” the suggestiveness in his voice only grows.

Eddie sighs. “I wish. I’m at Christopher’s school…”

“Oh, well then we can just do a movie night. I’ll order pizza.” Buck’s ability to switch gears instantly amazes Eddie. It’s another reason his heart keeps wondering if they could make this into something more. But then he shifts his stance against Shannon’s car, remembers what he’s already lost, and just can’t risk it all again. 

“Um well, I mean I’m at the school we’re trying to get Christopher into.”

“We?”

“I called Shannon,” admits Eddie. “She came by the house and agreed to meet with the administration. They said they wanted to meet both parents before making a decision on Christopher.”

Buck’s voice sounds a little strained. “I didn’t realize she was so close.”

Eddie kicks at the rocks near his feet and lets out another puff of air. “Uh yeah, her mom was actually out here, so…” he trails off, not really sure he wants to connect the dots for Buck about how he and Christopher ended up out here.

Buck seems to connect them anyway. “Oh well yeah, of course. The school probably wants to know that if she’s back in his life that he has two stable home environments. I mean, Shannon’s not like dangerous or something, right?”

“No, no,” assures Eddie. Doesn’t mention that he hasn’t said anything to Christopher yet. “But the school kind of got the impression that we’re still together, kind of a two working parents situation.”

There’s silence on the other end. 

“I mean, it just seemed easier,” explains Eddie, feeling like he’s screwing this up. “It’s such a good school and Carla helped me find the money to cover it, and Christopher likes it so much.”

“Eddie, I get it,” says Buck, with a little laugh that Eddie can’t read. “Whatever’s best for Christopher is what you should do. Look, I probably shouldn’t be talking and driving, so I’ll let you go. Call me when you’re done.”

“Pizza sounds good, Buck,” offers Eddie, trying for something to ease the tension in his chest. 

He thinks he hears a “yeah sure,” but Buck’s voice is already fading away and there’s nothing but silence a second later. 

Eddie doesn’t get as long as he wanted to think about their conversation. Shannon’s outside and reassuring him that everything went well. 

When she breaks down and admits she thinks this was all her fault, there’s a bit of anger that breaks in Eddie, a hint of forgiveness that rushes out, because no, Christopher’s condition is not her fault. There’s a lot that Shannon can be blamed for, a lot that he can be blamed for, but he knows she did nothing to try and hurt their son and he can’t let her carry that burden. 

He doesn’t kiss her on purpose, not really. He’s not really thinking, caught up in emotions and the weight of their history and she’s familiar, so familiar, so he leans in. Lets himself get stuck in a moment, in a wish of wasted years and lost chances, holds an embrace like if they hold on long enough, all the past washes away. The noise of passing cars fades, the trees down into shapeless voids, and for a very long moment, he holds to a time gone by.

But it isn’t right. 

They don’t belong together anymore. 

There was a moment of familiarity and then it broke. Eddie doesn’t know this woman anymore, hasn’t known her for a long time. Shannon takes his kiss, but Buck gives them back tenfold. Buck is safety and Shannon is uncertainty. 

Buck is fire and want and need so intense that it makes Eddie ache. He doesn’t feel that with Shannon. Doesn’t want to anymore. And so they separate. 

She seems to realize it too. “You don’t want this,” she says softly. 

He shakes his head. “No, no I don’t, or I do, I…”

“Oh,” says Shannon, her eyes bright in their tears. “You do want, but I’m not the one anymore.”

“I’m sorry,” Eddie offers, even as he’s not sure he should be. 

“Don’t be. We threw away every chance we had and never once fought for any part of our relationship. We just fought,” admits Shannon. She gives his arms a squeeze and steps away. “I would like to be involved in my son’s life, but I’ll let you decide at what pace. You decide what’s best. I’ll respect that.”

“Thank you,” says Eddie, relieved in the moment. He wants to see Buck though, thinks maybe he should take a chance. Maybe it’s worth more. 

He’ll have to wait though. When he looks to his phone to tell Buck he’s on his way, there’s already a notification. “Can’t hang after all. Maddie needs me. See you at work tomorrow.”

Nothing about the text indicates anything being wrong. And yet...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m trying my best not to make Shannon seem like too horrible a person. I mean, I can’t imagine leaving your kid like that. But the show seems to imply that she meant to leave for a break and then it got too hard to come back. (Not that it makes her better). And Eddie admits he signed up for an extra tour because he was scared to come home, scared of that responsibility, but he got to hide behind a uniform. That said, her appearance will be more mentioned than actual scenes. 
> 
> Hopefully that level of misunderstanding works for everyone. I dropped a little hint at where Buck's side of the miscommunication will come from (besides the phone call) so I'm curious to see who picks up on it.


	5. Chapter 5

Buck’s at a loss after the night when Eddie shows up at his door. Not about the night itself, that’s going to be locked in his memory as one of the greatest nights of his life. 

He wants to talk to Eddie about it, wants to know what it means. Because it has to mean something. Eddie broke their unwritten rules. That wasn’t hookup sex, it was serious relationship sex. Not that Buck’s overwhelmingly familiar with the latter. But Eddie came over. A house wasn’t their thing. 

And then...and then Eddie stayed. 

So Buck needs to know if it means something. 

Of course, because life has a tendency to shit on you when you’re down, they’re distracted by the arrival of Taylor Kelly and her cameraman and their sudden mission to show the inner workings of the LAFD.

Buck doesn’t like the woman. She makes his skin crawl, makes him feel like he’d be nothing more than something to be checked off a list. 

He tries to be polite, to be courteous, and hates the way Eddie always seems to gravitate to wherever Taylor Kelly is. 

But even stronger than his discomfort is his distrust. Bobby doesn’t want to talk to her--fair enough considering his background--but his standoffishness is making Taylor all the more determined. And so Buck does his best to be charming without throwing up, to suggest what makes the fire station great, what makes the LAFD the best, what the heartwarming stories are behind things. 

He’s utterly shocked when Taylor’s story doesn’t mention anything about anyone’s actions while dosed. Less shocked when she admits wanting to put it all, put the ugly truth out there, but the legal teams wouldn’t let her. 

* * *

Time gets away from him. Maybe not just time. His courage fades too, the longer time goes without Eddie saying anything about that night. 

Buck promises himself he’ll bring it up when Eddie invites him over to carve pumpkins with Christopher. Thinks yeah, this will be perfect, because Eddie knows he likes his kid, loves spending time with both of them, so maybe it’ll be worth having a conversation. 

It should be perfect.

They’re having a blast, laughing and talking and eating too much of the candy that’s supposed to be given out tomorrow. 

Christopher’s having the time of his life. 

Eddie even drops a quick kiss on his lips when Christopher goes to the bathroom. Buck craves to take it further, but jokes “Another time, Diaz.” He means to continue with “but maybe we should talk about what that time looks like” or “I don’t want those times to just be stolen”. Except then Eddie’s saying things about not letting Christopher know and Buck realizes that night was just an anomaly. 

He’s been wishing that it meant more. But it might be time to accept that this is it. Friends with benefits. Buck’s just not sure if the benefits are worth the heartache. 

Buck hides in the kitchen, makes excuses about cleaning up, and tries not to look too closely at the way Eddie doesn’t follow.

* * *

As much as he hates the idea of never getting to be more with Eddie, Buck can’t quite figure out how to end what they do have. It’s bound to be awkward at the station for a few weeks at least, if Buck can get his heart under control in such a short time. Even that would be okay, except if things are awkward between them, considering the strength of their bond now, Bobby’s going to ask questions. Hen will be too observant--he’s not sure she hasn’t guessed at things already--and if Hen knows, she’ll say something to Chimney because they’ve got their own bond and Chimney will tease and Buck just can’t. He can’t deal with that. 

If sex is all he gets, at least it’s damn good sex. Which is why he calls Eddie up on his way home. It’s Christopher’s evening with Abuela, so she’ll have picked him up from school and Eddie doesn’t usually get Chris until just before bedtime. It’s made it an easy night to grab a few drinks and hookup. 

Now that Buck’s apartment has made the list of approved spots, he’ll take a few hours of a different kind of workout. 

Eddie answers before the first ring is done. It makes Buck smile. At least his calls aren’t getting screened yet. 

The news that Eddie’s at Christopher’s school changes the plans, but Buck can work with that. Movies and pizza with his favorite guys works too.

And then everything goes a little bit fuzzy on him. Buck has no idea how he’s supposed to take this. It sounds like Eddie wants support, but Buck feels like he’s reeling from the idea that Shannon’s here, has been here. He knows what Eddie’s not saying, can read between the silences that Shannon was the reason Eddie chose to move to Los Angeles in the first place.

He pulls to the side of the road, not trusting himself to drive through the rest of this conversation. 

It gets worse. 

Eddie admits to giving the school the impression that he and Shannon are together. And Buck knows, he knows, that it makes sense. He knows the way Eddie kind of panics at personal confrontation, knows it’s the exact opposite of the calm demeanor Eddie has in the field. Put a team at his back and training in his mind, Eddie’s a rock. The personal stuff? Eddie always acts like he has to carry that on his own. 

So Buck gets how Eddie might’ve messed that up. He doesn’t want to hear it though. And he can’t help but wonder if Eddie’s trying to send a message through his words. Back off, Buck. I want my family back. This has to fade. 

Buck thinks Eddie says something about still wanting pizza, something about coming over. Manages to mumble some sort of answer in return. It takes him a few minutes to calm down enough to start driving again. 

He knows where this new school is, near his house, though out of his current route. Buck can’t help himself. He just wants to see her. Just wants to know who Shannon is, beyond the three year old picture that sits on Christopher’s dresser. 

Eddie’s truck is there, sitting in the parking lot. Eddie’s not near it...and then Buck’s eyes catch Eddie. His arms wrapped around a woman that has to be Shannon, kissing her. 

Buck’s heart stops. It can’t. Eddie wouldn’t. 

He slows, knows he’s being stalkerish, but he has to know. His head is screaming at him, telling him he’s an absolute fucking idiot, of course he was just temporary. His heart is pounding but it wants to believe in a maybe. Buck’s not a stranger to people planting one on him. It’s kind of gross from a consent standpoint, but he knows people get kissed, it doesn’t always mean they kiss back. Maybe, his heart whispers, maybe that’s what happened here. 

But as he slowly drives down the street, Eddie’s arms only tighten, the kiss seems to deepen, and there’s no denying the reciprocity of the action. 

Buck’s head says you knew this was coming. Says what could you have offered, how could you think you could replace someone’s mom, you had to know you would never be his first choice. 

He turns the corner and his heart breaks. 

* * *

“You have a Norman?” he asks--says--to Lola. “I have an E…well, I have someone too.” Eddie’s looking down at them but Buck can tell the freeway is drowning out enough of his words, and he keeps his voice low to be sure. 

“You think you have something special. Or you hope you do. But at some point you have to admit you’re alone. And they never really wanted you.”

It’s probably a good thing Norman’s speech is better. 

* * *

“The wine’s for my sister?” he asks as he and Chimney settle in. He thought this was a guy’s night kind of thing. Admittedly, not something he expected. Chimney was family, but in that way that the uncle who lives across the country and only comes home for Christmas and funerals is family. They don’t really hang out. 

Though within a few minutes of watching Chimney and Maddie interact, it makes a whole lot more sense why he got invited along. 

Makes him even more miserable. 

Maddie and Chimney spend ninety percent of their time singing karaoke and the rest being completely oblivious to the fact that they’re on a date. 

He turns down one guy and two girls in a row that come up and hit on him, finally retreating to a corner booth. 

It’s a terrible idea to text Eddie, but he’s a few beers in and he’s only human.

11:06pm

Hey. Whatcha up to?

_ 11:09pm _

_ Feeling overwhelmed. Second grade homework is intense.  _

_ 11:10 _

_ You? _

11:12pm

Watching my sister and Chimney flirt.

_ 11:28pm _

_ Really? _

11:29pm

Yeah. It’s disturbing. 

11:29pm

Being out at the bar makes me think of you. Think of that night we met.

He should probably stop texting. He keeps drinking and he knows he’s going to say the wrong thing. And Eddie’s not exactly setting a priority on replying. 

_ 11:55pm _

_ Some good memories. I se _ _ em to remember liking the taste of lime. _

11:56pm

I like the taste of you.

When it hits one am and he still doesn’t have a reply from Eddie, Buck gives up. Whether Eddie’s distracted or disinterested, he gets the message. 

At least getting to firmly shut down Taylor Kelly gives him a tiny bit of joy to take home. 

* * *

Eddie calls during Buffet Friday (which Buck would like to go on record as calling the most annoying thing ever, because at least there was enough booze to get him drunk at the bar). 

He wants to hang out, he says. 

Buck’s not an idiot, knows what hang out means on a Friday night, less than an hour before Christopher’s bed time. 

Part of him wants it. 

More of him isn’t ready. 

Would saying yes make him the other woman? The sloppy seconds? Or just the booty call he’s apparently been for weeks. 

So he says no. Insists he’s enjoying this time to catch up with his sister. “Being Buck 2.0 sucks,” he mutters as he rejoins Maddie and Chimney.

Everything about happy couples makes him miserable, but he’s also not ready for the thanks for this, but I’m getting back with my wife conversation he just knows is coming.

* * *

He breaks after the deaths of Thomas and Mitchell. They had almost what he dreams of, a love that spans the decades. Buck would want kids, want to grow his family, but Thomas and Mitchell also didn’t have the same choices and freedoms that he does. 

The idea of being alone that night is terrifying, too many emotions pressing on him and he calls Eddie without even thinking, reaching out to his best source of comfort. 

“Come over,” he whispers. “Please Eddie. I don’t want...I can’t...just come over.”

Eddie’s there before Buck even has time to rethink his decision. If Buck was thinking logically, he might register that Eddie’s house is twenty minutes away at best, would realize that Eddie had to be practically on his street, waiting for his call, to get there that fast. 

“What do you need?” asks Eddie, his arms already reaching for Buck as he comes through the door.

“Make me forget,” he begs.

And Eddie does. With his lips and his tongue and his hands, he takes his time and lavishes his attention, until Buck can’t see or think or feel anything but Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.

He viciously shuts down the voice in his head telling him this may be the last time he gets this from Eddie, lets his body take over, and saves each precious moment to memory, for the day he loses it all.

* * *

But it’s like the night flips something in Eddie. Whatever was keeping him distant before changes and he’s attentive to Buck in ways he hasn’t been in well, ever. 

Unfortunately, the openness is like a knife to Buck’s heart. 

Eddie talks now. 

About Christopher and how well he’s doing at school and how much he seems to be fitting in. 

Eddie talks to him about the family they’re building with the 118, the way it reminds him of his team in the Army, people who have your back through anything. 

Buck would say it’s the best, exactly what he wants. 

But Eddie also tells him that he’s talking regularly to Shannon and that there are good moments, but how he’s unsure about letting her back into Christopher’s life. 

And when Buck’s lying in bed, listening to Eddie talk about his ex-wife, all he can think is that he’s getting in the way. He doesn’t want to be any part of an excuse. Doesn’t want to be Eddie’s comfort blanket until he’s ready to get back with Shannon completely. Each conversation feels like Eddie’s getting that much closer to let her in. And then Buck’s out. 

It gets worse when they take Christopher to see Santa. 

“You two have an adorable son,” says the assistant. 

“Thank you,” says Buck and pretends the knife in his heart doesn’t twist at the words. 

Chris insisted on talking to Santa himself, but later, when they’re home---no, when they’re at Eddie’s place--Christopher confides in Buck. 

“I asked Santa to bring my mom back,” he says softly. “He brought my dad back when I asked,” he continues and Buck knows he needs to bow out. 

He can’t do this to Christopher, even if he can do it to himself. He won’t get in the way of Christopher having his family. 

* * *

He cries unashamedly as the marine gets his family reunion, a moment truly touching, and when they get back to the fire station, he tells Eddie about Christopher’s wish.

All he wants when he talks to Eddie is for Eddie to say yeah, Christopher needs his mom, but I need you. 

So stay. 

Be more than whatever the fuck this is. Be mine. 

But he doesn’t. 

He doesn’t ask Buck to stay and he doesn’t tell Buck to go and that seems like an answer in itself.


	6. Chapter 6

Days pass and Buck feels lost. 

Eddie texts, calls once on Christmas so Christopher can talk to him and thank Buck for his present. Buck can hear Shannon in the background, laughing at something with Eddie and sends a pang through his heart. He does his best to focus on Christopher and begs off quickly, making excuses about being busy with Maddie.

He’s not of course. Maddie agreed to come over for dinner if they could order Chinese and not acknowledge Christmas. 

And he’s trying to be understanding, he is, but Buck loves Christmas. Growing up it wasn’t the best, but something in him always held onto this hope that once he was out on his own, he could have the Christmases he dreamed of. Could create that magic of loved ones gathered together. 

Instead he sits on his couch and watches A Christmas Carol, feeling like some poor sap that Ebenezer just kicked into the poor house. 

At some point he forgoes the pretense of eggnog, just starts swigging rum out of the bottle and second guessing everything. 

Maybe he should talk to Eddie, at least tell him how he feels, even a small part. He could just ask about being boyfriends. 

Can he really give them up?   
Then again, can he really put Eddie in a position to choose? 

Is that fair to Christopher? Buck knows Chris wants his mom back and he knows Eddie’s open to that. Well, Eddie maybe hasn’t said that directly, but Buck can put the pieces together between that kiss and their conversations about letting Shannon in. If he lets himself believe in the tiniest chance that Eddie wants something real, is he being fair? To put that on Eddie, to put that on Christopher?

Sometimes Buck wishes he’d never caught Eddie’s eye in that bar so many months ago. 

But then he has to imagine never knowing Eddie at all and somehow that seems worse. 

* * *

A few days later, he’s lying home, moping and forever checking his phone for a text from Eddie because he’s a glutton for punishment when his eyes catch on a picture of him and Maddie when they were kids and Buck figures maybe he should just go talk to his sister. Really talk this time. Actually tell her about Eddie and what they’ve been doing. About the kiss he saw and about how he wants so desperately to have what Shannon threw away but he’s not sure what he’s doing anymore. 

Maddie won’t say anything if he asks her not to and he just can’t keep all this in his own head anymore. 

He drives over before he can rethink it. 

Except when he gets there, Chimney’s unconscious in the entry, there’s blood everywhere, and Maddie’s missing. 

* * *

Nothing matters except finding Maddie. Buck ignores the police instructions, snags Chimney’s phone and heads to the hospital to get something, anything that has a chance of helping. 

He’s doing his absolute best not to break down in tears at the hospital when Eddie walks around the corner. “What are you doing here?”

“Bobby sent out at a group message about Chimney and Maddie. That was a bold move from what I heard.” Eddie sits down next to him, but keeps his hands to himself. 

A tiny corner of Buck’s mind says see, even with all this, your relationship stays behind closed doors. He ruthlessly shoves back that stupid little corner because right now, he doesn’t want Eddie to leave. “I know,” he says instead. “What the hell was I thinking?”

He doesn’t bring up how much it hurt to get yelled at like that. His sister’s missing, kidnapped by her abusive husband. He knows the statistics just as much as anyone else. If you get away and they come after you again, it rarely ends with the abuse victim still alive at the end of it. Maddie’s a fighter, but she’s had years of not knowing how or being too afraid to fight back against Doug. There’s a difference there, a difference Buck knows. 

All he wanted to do was try to help. His hands shake and he balls them into fists in an attempt to hide it. There’s the slightest motion from Bobby but Buck just curls tighter into himself and tries to listen to Eddie. 

“I know what you were thinking,” replies Eddie. “I have sisters.”

“I told Maddie she’d be safe here,” says Buck, trying desperately to get Eddie and whoever else is listening to understand his reasons. “I promised that I would keep her safe. That she could be happy.” He sniffles and swipes away a fresh round of tears. “I should have known better.”

“This isn’t your fault, Buck.”

“Buckleys don’t get to be happy or safe,” mutters Buck, ignoring the look Eddie gives him.

Eddie’s phone buzzes. He checks it briefly, “sorry, I left Christopher with Shannon and they promised to check in regularly.”

“Yeah, sure,” says Buck, not really wanting to deal with all of that. 

Eddie texts something back, smiling at his phone, and then puts it away again. “What if she had kept running? She’d be alone, in some other city, without you.”

“She’s alone now,” notes Buck. I’m alone, he wants to add. He puts his head back down, wishing Eddie would put his arm around him, a hand on him, anything to offer comfort. But there’s nothing, just the beep of Eddie’s phone and the tapping of his fingers as he replies.

Athena looks ready to yell again and Bobby’s wearing his disappointed dad face and all Buck can think is that he’s alone and letting everyone down. Just like he always does.

* * *

Athena does end up yelling a little bit. But mostly she just gathers Buck up and with a few rules set down by Bobby, takes him along with her on their own mission to find Maddie, because they can use the phone. 

She’s exactly what he needs. Pragmatic, level-headed, and able to keep from spiraling into a complete panic. 

They’re on the trail, closer and closer to finding Maddie and then the woods holds everything up. He hears the call about finding blood and Buck’s gone. He runs and he runs, following the trail of blood, screaming Maddie’s name as he goes. 

And then, as he breaks out of the woods, she’s there. 

She’s limping and crying and covered in blood, but she’s alive. His sister’s alive. Buck wraps his arms around her and holds on for dear life.

* * *

“You know you don’t have to move out right?” asks Buck. Maddie had informed him earlier that between hospital food, friendly casseroles, and his insistence on a healthy breakfast, she was dying for bacon and french toast. She’d dragged his ass out to a nearby breakfast restaurant--that had impressively better coffee than he expected--and was now saying she’d found an apartment she liked and would be leaving his place.

“I want to, Buck,” she replies. “I need things to start to feel normal again. Also, while admittedly your couch is impressively comfortable, it’s still a couch. And I’m sure I’m hampering your ability to bring home dates.”

Buck shrugs. “Not really.”

“Come to think of it, I can’t remember the last time we talked about your dating life?”

“I don’t really have one,” he says, considering sidestepping this whole conversation. Though before everything else, he had wanted to talk to her about all of this.

Maddie swallows her giant bite of french toast. “Have you dated anyone since Abby?”

“Define dating?”

“Going out to dinner or a movie and spending time in someone else’s company without the expectation of sex.”

“Oh.” Buck shakes his head. “Then no, I definitely haven’t been dating.” He tries not to sound quite so bitter about it. Also, it’s a lot more difficult than he anticipated to start the part of this conversation that he needs to.

Maddie steals half of his hashbrowns and he absentmindedly passes her the tabasco sauce to put on top. “Okay sex then. It’s been like eight months since Abby left, please god, without details though, tell me you’ve at least had sex with another woman since then, Buck.”

“Um,” says Buck. He thinks. “No, Abby was definitely the last woman I had sex with.”

There’s quiet for a long moment. Maddie looks rather shocked for a moment. Then her eyes narrow. “Woman. The last woman. You have had sex.” She shakes her fork in his direction, flinging syrup across the table, before abruptly setting it back down. “That means with a guy.” Maddie’s eyes widen and she lets out some sort of giggle scream combination that pierces Buck’s eardrums. “OH MY GOD YOU SLEPT WITH EDDIE?!!?!”

Half the dining room turns to stare and Maddie drops her voice to a whisper. “You and Eddie?”

“How did you know it was Eddie?” hisses Buck.

“Oh please. I’ve been teasing you about your mancrush for ages, but you haven’t been acting that way because of a bromance, it’s because you actually do have a thing for Eddie.” She squeals again. “So what, how, when, I want details.”

Buck gives her a side-eye. “Details?”

“Not that, Evan,” snaps Maddie, throwing a sugar packet at his face. “You know what I mean. How did it start? And why is it a secret?”

So he tells her. About that night at the bar (he maybe embellishes and pretends they went back to a hotel, though the look Maddie gives him says she knows better) and seeing Eddie a week later at work. Buck tells Maddie about the way they just sort of decided to be coworkers with benefits and then they became friends, so it was friends with benefits. He talks about meeting Christopher and helping Eddie find assistance and guidance. 

And then he tells her about Shannon. About the kiss and about how much Christopher wants his mom in his life and the way Eddie seems split these days, pushing Buck more and more back into a coworker box. 

He admits how much it hurts, this feeling of not being enough, yet again. But that he feels like he needs to step back, to let Eddie have a family again, without being the guy getting in the way.

“Buck,” says Maddie softly. “You need to talk to Eddie.”

“I can’t put that on him. Not when he’s just starting to rebuild his family.”

“What if he wants his family to look different? What if he wants to include you?”

“Maddie, he won’t even touch me if Christopher’s around. Nothing more than a quick hug as I walk in the door. It’s pretty clear I’m not what he’s looking for in a relationship.”

Maddie takes a breath. “Okay. If you don’t think this is right for you anymore, that’s your choice. But you need to tell Eddie why. The two of you work together, Buck. It’s important that you’re honest and upfront so you can move forward.”

* * *

Buck heads to work determined to talk to Eddie. He needs to end this, to tell Eddie that he just can’t do this anymore, not where he’s all in and Eddie’s only halfway. 

He has a blast with the kids in Harry’s class, because while Christopher may be his favorite, Buck’s pretty much a fan of most kids. Likes to see them happy and enjoying life and getting to know that they’re loved. It’s not how he grew up, so he prefers as many other kids get every bit of happiness they can find. 

Before he can find a chance to pull Eddie aside, even to ask to find time to talk, they get the news that dispatch is down and hit the road. 

It’s frustrating for Buck, for all of them really. Driving back and forth on the streets, waiting to be sent out or come across an emergency feels unproductive. Like they’re going to hope they make it on time instead of being first responders and actually saving people. The uncertainty gets to all of them. It’s why when they start working with the woman in labor, Buck can feel Hen’s palpable stress. She’s already been off the last few weeks without Chimney. The two of them are seamless as paramedics and neither he nor Eddie fit on the same level. 

Come to think of it, that’s probably why he and Eddie have felt more separated lately. Maddie’s ordeal took his attention off work hours, but with his Army medic background, Eddie’s the one who slid in alongside Hen to fill in for Chimney. 

Buck smoothly takes the baby away as the mother goes into distress, directing the father and communicating with Bobby. 

They have work to do and a life to save, but he files away the proud look that Bobby sends him to remember later.

Resupplying and a quick lunch stop take up maybe half an hour, then they’re back on the road. As they load up, Buck leans over to Eddie. “Hey, can we talk later?” he asks quietly, making sure no one else can hear. 

“Yeah, Buck, anything you want.” Eddie sounds a little nervous.

Buck thinks it’s fine, Eddie. No need to worry about me getting in the way. I can tell when it’s time to bow out. 

He gets on the truck and prepares for the antsy continuation of their uncertain day.

* * *

Doheny Park is the kind of situation nightmares are made from. 

There are a lot of differences between each individual first responder. But one thing they all hold in common, is that they do this job because it allows them to  **do** something. Every single one of them has a fight mentality when it comes to a fight or flight response. 

He can still remember Hen’s words when she was reminded she has a kid before going into the earthquake damaged hotel. “If it was my kid, I’d hope someone would be brave enough to try and save him.” That’s a first responder’s thought process. Be the one try to save them. And this, this is awful. They should be able to have backup. They should have water. They should be able to quickly get gas mains shut off. And instead, they’re working with limited resources in a situation that means trying to save by priority, rather than everyone. 

It sucks. 

But a little boy is screaming in a window as his house goes up in flames. So Buck climbs up the ladder and goes to work, pushing back the worry that there might be some people in this neighborhood that they can’t save. 

He’s flying through the air, hands reaching out to grasp at the rungs of the ladder as it breaks and sends him swinging to the ground. 

Stupid fucking outdated equipment. 

Buck turns to Bobby, ready to make an alternate plan, to figure out how to get to the kid. 

And suddenly there’s Eddie, shimmying up a drainpipe, climbing into the house. 

Eddie’s on the roof before Buck can even finish his question of “Eddie, what the hell are you doing?” and he’s swinging into the house before Buck can say anything else.

Hen brings some good news, but it’s not enough, and Buck’s ears hear the rush of a flashover before the flames burst from the house. 

No! He can’t lose Eddie. Not like this. 

“Negative on evac,” comes Eddie’s voice on the radio. “Pinned down on the south side of the house.”

Buck’s on the truck, grabbing the extinguisher without even thinking about it. He’ll figure it out, jump through a broken window, pull himself down the fucking chimney if he has to. 

Bobby stops him. Looks into the sky and Buck follows his eye line. It’s a fire service plane, used in forest fires and headed straight for them. 

Buck leaps down from the truck and prays like he never has before that they can get just one more miracle out of today. Fuck whatever he thought he was going to say before. He’s going to fight like hell to keep Eddie. He can’t lose him, not now not ever. The idea of losing Eddie terrifies Buck. If sex and friendship is all he gets, without the relationship, he’ll take it. He’ll take anything, as long as he doesn’t lose Eddie Diaz. 

Cap calls for Eddie over the radios and Buck’s breath catches in his throat when there’s no response. And then. Then Eddie comes walking through the door, carrying Alex in his arms. 

Eddie sets Alex on the backboard for Hen and one of the other paramedics to look over. 

Buck pulls at Eddie’s arm, pulls him to him and Eddie turns in willingly, no doubt needing that comforting hug they all need sometimes after a rough save. Buck kisses him, without even thinking, and before he can finish panicking about doing that in front of everyone, Eddie’s reeling him in and kissing him back. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, they just went public. Sort of. But they definitely still need to talk about their feelings.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so first, sorry for the wait. I’ve been watching Hawaii Five-0 and like seasons 3-5 kind of drag but it like really improves coming through S6 and I’ve been like proper marathoning now instead of casual, which hinders writing time. Also, while the final chapter is nearly done and was so easy to write, this penultimate chapter was tough. But I think it turned out nicely, hopefully you all agree.  
> Second, there are two scenes that I needed to be from Eddie’s POV. I didn’t want to add a bunch of filler by giving him his own chapter and most of this still needs to be from Buck. So, the two italic scenes are the ones from Eddie’s POV.

The teasing from the rest of the 118 starts pretty fast. Once they all get over their surprise at least. Chimney, being a good guy but possibly the least observant ever, is the most shocked by them as a couple. Hen doesn’t seem thrown off at all. She just comments that Buck’s always seemed like an equal opportunity kind of guy and everyone can see Eddie’s appeal. 

Bobby tells Buck not to have sex in the fire truck. Eddie blushes and says they can promise not to have sex in the fire truck again. 

It’s nice. 

There’s little touches, little moments, that Buck treasures. Affection he can soak up, instead of desperately trying to keep his hands to himself. 

He starts spending more time at Eddie’s house and vice versa, visiting with Christopher and just hanging out in general. 

The thing is, for all that they’ve gone public at the 118, there’s nothing different at home. Eddie shies away from physical affection around Christopher. He allows hugs and an occasional arm around the shoulder, but ducks away if Buck looks like he’s going to kiss him. 

Christopher clearly doesn’t know about them. 

Buck knows Shannon is becoming more of a factor and he can tell, he just knows, that it’s not right that he and Shannon never cross paths. 

They can’t seem to have a real conversation with each other about their relationship. 

And Buck...he knows he kind of threw a wrench in things with that kiss. He forced Eddie’s hand--though he does want to argue that Eddie didn’t have to kiss back--and maybe pushed Eddie before he was ready. 

He should talk to Eddie. Should ask why Eddie wants Christopher kept in the dark. Why they’re dating according to the 118, but still don’t go on dates. Why Eddie’s family knows nothing. Why Buck never interacts with Shannon. It’s confusing and it’s frustrating and Buck feels like this is what’s telling him this can’t last forever. Just like always though, Buck doesn’t know how to break away.

* * *

_ “I don’t get how it’s so easy for him, Bobby. Buck says he just knows, like he’s so certain this is what he wants,” says Eddie, as he sits at Bobby’s house. It’s weird having to go to Bobby to talk, what with the suspension and the frustration everyone feels about Chimney as interim captain. “How do you know like that?” he continues. “Beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you just want a ready made family. Or who the right person is.” _

_ “Sometimes,” answers Bobby, “you jump in. Feet first, full cannonball, without as much control. It doesn’t seem like she’d be the type, but Athena’s that way. Once she knows something, she’s committed. Me, I can know what I want, but my brain keeps wanting to overanalyze all the ways it could go wrong.” _

_ “I don’t really know how to be a jump in kind of person,” replies Eddie.  _

_ “That’s when you make a choice to have faith that your partner is waiting at the bottom, ready to catch you and be by your side.” _

_ Eddie pauses for a long moment. “I just don’t want to make another mistake.” _

_ Bobby puts a hand on his shoulder and squeezes. “At the end of the day, it’s your choice, but for what it’s worth, Buck seems like anything but a mistake.” _

_ In all honesty, Eddie has to agree. Buck might just be the best thing that’s happened to him and Christopher in a long time. But will Buck feel the same? _

* * *

“Is the lady I hit okay?” asks the driver and as Buck turns to check on the woman that Hen and Chimney are working on, his chest tightens. He tries, tries to keep Eddie back, all the while knowing it’s futile. 

Eddie’s crying and he’s in the ambulance and begging Shannon to hang on. 

Buck follows as soon as the scene is contained and he can go, wrapping his arms around Eddie at the hospital and holding on as tight as he can. 

Eddie clings back, cries into Buck’s shoulder, grows more stoic as the hospital staff inform him first of Shannon’s passing in surgery, then hand over her personal effects. 

It’s awful, thinks Buck. That someone dies, someone fills space in your heart and your life, and at the end, they get condensed down to a plastic bag worth of personal items. 

“I have to tell Christopher,” says Eddie, his chest heaving as he sucks in air, just trying to breathe. “How am I supposed to do that? How am I supposed to tell him that his mom’s dead? He just got her back.”

Buck doesn’t know. Can’t begin to imagine. 

So he just holds Eddie firmly against him, says “Come on, I’ll drive, I’m with you every step of the way,” and leads him out of the hospital. 

* * *

Christopher struggles to get to sleep that first night. Wakes up screaming several times. Buck trades off with Eddie in holding him tight, helping to calm Christopher down. 

Buck sleeps on the couch that night. And the next. 

“Are you going to leave too, Bucky?” asks Chris one night after a particularly bad nightmare.

“No,” promises Buck, knowing with all his heart that he means it. “I will be here as long as you need me.”

“I love you, Buck,” sniffles Christopher, already starting to fall back asleep.

“I love you too, buddy,” says Buck, pressing a kiss to the top of Christopher’s head. “I love you too.”

* * *

“I think he’s finally asleep for good,” says Eddie, coming back into the kitchen after soothing Christopher from his nightmares once more. These days, it seems like it takes a couple rounds before Christopher goes into a deep sleep and doesn’t wake every hour or so from a nightmare. Sometimes Eddie calms him down, sometimes Buck does it. Every few days, Christopher just tires himself out from crying. 

Buck hands Eddie a mug of hot tea, figuring he could use something soothing. 

“Thanks, Buck.” Eddie sips slowly, leans against the counter and sighs, overly weary. 

“Yeah,” replies Buck. He reaches down the counter to pick up his jacket off the barstool and starts slinging it on. “I’ll get out of your hair.”

He needs to be somewhere else. He’s been trying to hold onto his promise to be there for Christopher no matter what--and he’ll keep that promise. But these nights afterwards, these moments when Eddie leans into him...these are killing him. It’s so much to know he’s just not quite enough. 

“You don’t have to,” protests Eddie. 

“Nah, it’s fine. It’ll probably be a busy day tomorrow. And you know Chimney’s going to be a disaster.”

Eddie laughs. “I don’t know which is worse. Super-strict I’m the boss Chimney or I just want to be your guy Chimney.”

“Definitely the latter.” Buck wrinkles his nose at the thought. “Bossy Chimney makes sense. When he tries to act like Bobby it’s just weird.”

“You know you can just stay here,” repeats Eddie. 

“Despite appearances, your couch just isn’t that comfortable.”

Eddie sets his tea down and moves in towards Buck, clearly leaning in for a kiss, maybe a little more. It tends to happen once Christopher’s in bed. “So don’t sleep on the couch,” teases Eddie.

Buck pushes him away. “No. Eddie, don’t, just...please don’t.”

“Buck, what’s wrong?” asks Eddie, now looking concerned. 

“It’s...you know what, it’s late, we can talk about this tomorrow.”

“Talk about what? Buck, what’s going on with you? You’ve been distant for days.”

Buck takes a deep breath. “I know. And I’m sorry. I’ve just been trying to figure out the right words. Let’s both get some sleep and I promise we’ll talk tomorrow.” 

The conversation is overdue anyway, they’ve just let life happen and Buck’s been putting it to the side in favor of what’s easy. In favor of the feel of Eddie in his arms versus the cold of being apart. 

Eddie looks uncertain, but he acquiesces and Buck makes his way home for another lonely night.

* * *

All of the bomb threats across Los Angeles make the day exhausting. Or, corrects Buck in his mind, all the bomb calls. Serial bombers stick to a signature and the actual bombs have come through the mail. But with everyone on extra high alert, too many calls end up being duds as people second guess everything near them. It’s not that Buck can really blame people. He supposes he might be a bit jumpy in other circumstances too. 

But it seems they’re always moving to a new stop, without the catharsis of actually responding to an emergency. 

On a normal day, that wouldn’t seem so bad, but it means the talk looms over his head all day too. It’s not until their shift is nearly over, the new crew starting to arrive for the next shift, that Eddie drags him off to the side and demands they talk. 

“Okay, what was that last night?” asks Eddie. 

“I think we need to break up,” says Buck. 

Eddie’s face falls. “We...what?”

Buck hates it. He hates that he doesn’t know an easier way to approach this, doesn’t know how to smooth it over. This is a conversation that was only going to be easy that first week, if Buck had said no, I don’t want to be coworkers with benefits, and he’d never let Eddie Diaz into his heart. With every day and every smile and every kiss since, Buck’s been putting off the inevitable and making this more painful. 

Buck takes a deep breath, steels himself for this. “I can’t keep doing this, Eddie. I want so so much with you and I keep telling myself I can be happy with what little I get, but I can’t. I’m  _ miserable _ , Eddie, and I hate it. I can’t keep wishing for something that isn’t here. I dream about being a part of this family so much and I can’t continue to hold on to a dream that isn’t real.”

“What dream?” Eddie’s tone gains a touch of anger. “We’re together, Buck. How is that not real?”

“Are we?” asks Buck, blinking back his tears. He so badly wanted to get this out before he started crying. 

“How can you say we aren’t real?!” snaps Eddie. “The entire station knows about our relationship.” 

“Christopher doesn’t! Shannon didn’t!” Buck can tell they’ve got a crowd now. He gets it. People are curious. Have been about them since that kiss. And a fight between firefighters isn’t casual. They work together, they have to be able to trust each other. It’s part of the reason Buck wanted to have this conversation at work. Here, even if he’s not strong enough to walk away, he has people who will help him do it.

“Yeah, the 118 knows we’re something,” he continues. Fuck it, he’s going to just cry his way through this. “Of course, everyone in here thinks this is new, because you said so.”

“I meant the taking it public part,” protests Eddie. 

“Did you say that? Ever? And not to them, to me. Because I can tell you, Eddie, you didn’t make it seem like it was different. So we get teased about a new relationship, as though we haven’t been fucking since before you started at the 118!” Buck can hear the murmurs from the others. “You pull me in, because I want you so bad I shove every tiny feeling I have as deep as it can go and try to be what you need, what you say Christopher needs. How can you stand there and tell me this is real when you won’t even kiss me in front of your son? When you shove me away the moment he comes within in earshot, as though the idea of Christopher seeing you touch me is abhorrent.” Buck hates this. He hates the way his heart is screaming in his chest, saying shut up you absolute idiot. He hates the way Eddie looks, like Buck did something wrong, like...he doesn’t know exactly what the look on Eddie’s face means and that hurts because it’s been months of whatever this is and Buck thought he knew all of Eddie’s looks. 

“So you’re just going to walk away?” asks Eddie, his voice bitter. “When I need...when Christopher needs you the most, you’re going to walk away from him too.”

Buck snaps. Flies forward, pushing Eddie against the wall, furious that Eddie would accuse him of being so heartless. “I will never walk away from him. Ever. I will be there for whatever he needs. But I can’t be with you anymore. I can’t keep holding on to the dream of a family that won’t come true. I have to learn how to accept reality. You wanted a good fuck and a good friend and I promise, I promise I will learn how to be the friend somehow. But I can’t keep convincing myself the other is enough.”

He takes a breath. Backs up. He can barely see through the tears when he feels someone else come alongside him. “Come on, Buck,” says Chimney, his voice quiet.

And Buck goes, feeling like he just set a bomb off in his own life, leaving nothing but shattered scraps behind.

* * *

Life at the 118 is upside down. It’s miserable. It’s awkward. No one is really choosing sides, just trying to rotate conversations. Buck knew it would be weird, to not be able to automatically turn to Eddie with the same comfort he was used to. 

He didn’t realize just how much they leaned on each other until they couldn’t.

Not having Bobby around makes it worse, drives up the tension between everyone. 

The city is still full of tension, the bomber still out there. 

Everyone is on edge. 

Buck moves to picking Christopher up from school when he can, tries to get in separate time so he and Eddie don’t have to awkwardly dance around each other. But he still comes over for pizza or to watch movies, because he made a promise. Buck doubts he and Eddie will ever find a new normal, but he won’t let Chris down, so he powers through the awkward as best he can.

* * *

“I’m sorry you had to be around for that, Buck, but we just feel it’s important for Eddie to be around family,” says Eddie’s mom. 

Eddie stormed into the house a moment ago, after it became clear that his Texas family just came to argue for his return home, not to be supportive during the delayed memorial. Buck knew Eddie had put off the memorial because his family said they were coming and for them to turn it into a way to lecture him is unfair at best. 

“He is around family,” snaps Buck. “Abuela and Pepa are both here. Eddie has cousins and all of us at the 118. He’s not alone.”

“It’s not the same,” argues Eddie’s father. “Being a single parent is so difficult, Eddie needs support.”

Buck frowns. “What about Shannon?” he asks, even as his brain is asking him why on earth he’s defending her. But he knows why. Because Eddie did and so Buck will, because by proxy, he’s defending Eddie.

“Shannon ran away from her responsibilities.”

“Yeah. She did,” agrees Buck. “But if being a single parent is so tough, where were all of you when she needed you? Eddie was overseas and then he took another tour and over that time, Shannon was alone and overwhelmed and it wasn’t until there was someone in Christopher’s life that she could trust that she ran away. I find it really hard to believe that she would have felt that out of her depth if she had support from you, from Christopher’s family. And back then,” adds Buck, his voice a little bit ugly, “you had no reason not to support her. None. So don’t come around acting like you’ll be there for Eddie at the level he needs, with the flexibility that he and Christopher need, if he came home.”

Buck knows he’s probably crossing way too many lines and Eddie’s probably going to be back soon and not appreciate this at all, so he hurries to finish. “People are allowed to be scared and unsure. Sometimes you want everything, you want all of what’s in front of you, but you don’t know if you’re good enough. So you run away. Or you take what you can get. But don’t you dare suggest that Eddie doesn’t have a world of support right here.”

He shoves away from the table, goes to find Christopher, not wanting to be around anyone else. He doesn’t see Eddie watching him from the kitchen window, a look of wonder and concern on his features.

* * *

“You know we’re going through a lot,” says Eddie in the middle of family dinner one shift. 

“Hmm?” asks Hen. 

Eddie ignores her and looks right at Buck. Buck can feel the heat of his glare, but he meets his gaze. “I know.”

“Do you?” pushes Eddie. “Because I feel like if you understood what I’m dealing with, you wouldn’t have broken us up, you would have been there for me. For us. You never even gave me the chance to choose you. You just keep pushing.”

And that’s just...that’s not fair. “I admit, my timing sucks,” acknowledges Buck. “In a better world, I’d be able to wait. But you can’t say you didn’t make a choice.”

“Excuse me?”

It’s dead silent around the table.

Buck keeps his voice soft. “I saw you that day.”

“Saw what?”

“Saw you kissing Shannon,” he replies and watches as Eddie’s face falls. “And I waited, because I thought hey, I’ve had uninvited kisses before, this could be that. But you kissed back Eddie. You pulled her in and you kissed back.”

“It was a moment of weakness, Buck. Shannon was my wife and it’s not like I ever had a real goodbye. She was supposed to be coming back and then she was gone. I messed up. But you never said anything.”

“I wanted to. I wanted to say something so much. But then you were talking to her again and trying to let her back into Christopher’s life.” Buck wishes he could express just how much he hurts about this. “But I never met her. You never put the two of us in the same room. It made me wonder if she even knew I existed beyond the same relationship level that you have with Hen or Chimney or Bobby. You say it’s not fair of me to push for more right now and maybe. Maybe I should have said something sooner. But I saw the two of you and when you didn’t tell me about it, I knew you didn’t want any more than sex from me. For a while I thought that could be enough, but it’s not. It’s not enough.”

* * *

_ Eddie knows now that along the way, he fucked up. Not just at one point, but at several. He let his fear guide his decisions and his actions and it turns out he could have had everything he wanted, but instead he has no idea where to begin. Has no clue how to convince Buck that he wants a relationship with him.  _

_ Wants to tell Buck that he doesn’t just want him for his body--even if it is a very nice body. Doesn’t just want him for his love for his son. He wants him because of those things. Because Buck found him help. Because Buck has every reason to want Eddie gone and he defended Eddie, defended Shannon, to their family.  _

_ He wants the guy whose first reaction to meeting Christopher was to fall in love. Whose second reaction was to build a team around them, to make sure Eddie knew he wasn’t alone.  _

_ Eddie’s been scared for a long time, but he watches as Buck swings his long legs up into the driver’s seat of the ladder truck, and he realizes he’s not scared anymore. When they get back from this call, he’s going to apologize.  _

_ He’s going to tell Buck he loves him.  _

_ That he wants everything.  _

_ He smiles to himself from his seat in the other truck, thinking about Buck.  _

_ There’s something coming through the radio, something about Bobby needing them. Eddie’s only half listening. And then the world explodes. _

_ The air roars as the blast hits. Eddie, like Hen and Chimney, turn to stare in shock at the sound and then utter horror as the ladder truck flips into the air.  _

_ It’s silent, everything near them utterly still for the briefest moment, like the city has frozen in time.  _

_ The silence breaks when Buck screams. A painful, terrifying, utterly agonizing scream.  _

_ And Eddie knows what fear truly feels like.  _


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We about to get all kinds of sappy up in here.

Everything hurts. 

Everything’s dark.

One minute Buck’s trying to listen to something Bobby is saying over the radio and then the world explodes around him. He’s flying through the air, some tiny part of his brain wondering why the bomber went after a fire station, wondering if it hit all the trucks, if everyone is hurt, and then his head cracks against the pavement and everything goes dark.

When he comes to a moment later, Buck promptly wants to pass back out again. His leg’s pinned, the pain excruciating, and there should be people here, they should be getting them out because he can see the other trucks unharmed, stopped in the street, and someone should be helping him. 

But there’s a kid in the street, a kid with a bomb strapped to his chest, a horror Buck can barely see thanks to the blood dripping into his eyes. 

So he just tries to stay awake, because that’s always the biggest thing that Hen and Chimney and Eddie say to victims. Stay awake, stay with me, stay awake.

Stay with me.

Stay awake.

Stay with me, Buck.

Oh. Oh, he thinks. Someone else is saying it now. The boy with the bomb is gone and Eddie’s down there with him. 

Eddie’s tears don’t look like blood, muses Buck. He thinks maybe he should smile, should do something to say it’s okay, but it hurts, it hurts so much. 

The pressure shifts and shifts and then it’s lifted, hands dragging him out, and Buck would have swore on his life that nothing could hurt more than the weight of an entire ladder truck on his leg, but it turns out lifting that truck away hurts even more. 

“Stay with us, Buck.”

“Stay awake.”

Eddie looks scared. Really scared. He shouldn’t look like that, says Buck’s mind, but he can’t reach him to say so.

Maybe he should just close his eyes for a minute. 

“NO! Stay with us, Buck!”

“Stay with me, Buck, please, please stay with me.”

That’s Eddie’s scared voice again, the one he’s not supposed to have. So Buck opens his eyes again. At least the blood’s gone, that’s nice.

He really, really wants to close his eyes, but he doesn’t, he does so good. Until finally they’re at the hospital and there’s an oxygen mask coming over his face and Buck knows what that means, he can close his eyes now and Eddie doesn’t have to be scared anymore.

* * *

The next time he opens his eyes, everything is bright, so bright, and he blinks furiously in an attempt to get used to the sight. Carla’s there, on one side of him. Her smile is as cheerful as ever and Buck tries to smile a little back. There’s pressure against his hand and Buck turns his head to see Eddie sitting on the other side, hands wrapped around Buck’s hand. Christopher’s sitting next to him. A smile lights up the boy’s face as he sees Buck looking at them.

“Hey Bucky,” says Christopher, in those soft familiar tones. “You scared us.”

“I scared me too, bud,” he replies, his own voice a little shaky. “Um, Eddie?”

Eddie finally looks at him, eyes red like he’s been crying. “You’re not allowed to do that again, Buck. You understand me? Never again.”

“What, um, what did the doctor say?” he asks. He has no intention of ever being pinned under a ladder truck again, but he also kind of needs to know if that’s a hopeful promise or a guarantee. The latter would mean he’s lost the job he loves, the only thing he’s ever felt like a success at. 

Eddie gives his hand a squeeze. “Carla, could you and Christopher maybe go down to the cafeteria?”

“If we’re bringing in lunch,” says Carla with a laugh, “It won’t be hospital food. Come on, Christopher, let’s go find something that doesn’t green and taste like three day old meatloaf.”

Buck waves as they go, grimacing a little when he tries to move his hand too much at first. Then he looks back at Eddie. “It’s that bad?”

“No,” answers Eddie. “And maybe. The important thing is that with physical therapy and time, you’ll be able to walk again and function completely normally.”

“Eddie,” pushes Buck. 

Eddie takes a breath. “They’re not sure if you’ll be able to be a firefighter again.”

Buck can’t help the tears that well up, the frustration. He wants to kick and scream and yet he can’t, he can’t do anything. “Shit!” he snaps. “Shit, shit, shit!”

“Hey!” Eddie cuts him off. “Buck, that’s what the doctor says. But the doctor, he doesn’t know you. Not like I do. He knows what the medical charts tell him. If you want to be a firefighter, then we will damn well figure out how to get you back to the 118. It’s just going to take time.”

As he’s saying it, Eddie’s reaching over, putting a hand lightly on Buck’s chest. He makes Buck focus on him, breathe in and out until he’s calmed down. 

A moment later, his breath is gone again, as Eddie leans in and kisses him. “Please don’t scare me like that again, Buck.”

And Buck wants, he wants so badly to lean into that kiss. But. 

“Why are you here, Eddie?” he asks. If this is just his rotation, or Eddie having a reaction like Buck did during the Doheny Park fire, something that makes him feel worried and desperate, Buck can’t deal with that. Not with everything else.

There’s a long, long pause before Eddie speaks. So long it nearly sends Buck back into a spiral of emotions. He’s about to pull his hand away when Eddie finally starts talking. “When Shannon first found out she was pregnant with Christopher, her first reaction was that she wasn’t ready. That this was a bad time. Maybe we should terminate and when I was done with the Army, we could try then. I promised her it would be okay. That we had family and friends and we loved each other, so she could do this. I said it’d be okay. I’d miss the first couple years, but we could make it.”

Eddie takes a deep breath. Looks at Buck like this next part is the rough one. “Then she called and told me that Christopher was born with cerebral palsy and my first ugly, miserable thought was that I can’t do this. That I lied and I told her it would be okay and it wasn’t.”

“Eddie,” protests Buck. He’s too good of a dad to think that way.

Eddie shushes him. “Hey. I love my kid with every fiber of my soul and it didn’t take longer than the first video of him to realize that. But the fear didn’t go away. I was so, so terrified that I would fuck him up. I’m pretty sure that’s a common parental fear. We all think we’re going to mess up our kids somehow. At the time though, I convinced myself that it was better to take another tour, than to go back home and figure out if I could be a good dad.”

He shifts a little in his seat, absentmindedly runs his fingers along Buck’s forearm. “Turns out, the longer I was gone, the more time Shannon had alone, time to convince herself that she was going to mess our kid up with her own issues. We didn’t….we didn’t know each other. Not really. We were young and we liked falling into bed together and we made each other laugh and that seemed like enough. If we’d been together, maybe we would’ve figured out how to work in sync. Maybe not. We had a lot of the same demons and I think most of us need a partner that helps fight them off. By the time I came back, we were different people.”

“Okay,” starts Buck. This is insight into Eddie that he didn’t have, but it’s not really an answer. Not to why he’s here. He says as much. “But, Eddie, why are you  _ here _ ?”

“Anyway,” continues Eddie as though Buck didn’t interrupt, “I want you to understand that for all the military and first responder side, a lot of things still scare me. I also need to note that I have had three girlfriends in my life. High school, a little after, and Shannon. If you’d asked me about my sexuality before I walked into that bar, I would’ve said straight, though I could understand why some found men appealing. But not my thing.”

He chuckles. “Then there was you. I saw you and I was done for. I would have done anything you wanted that night if it kept your attention on me.”

Buck nearly chokes. “That night was your first time with a guy?”

“Go big or go home, right?”

Everything in Buck wants to make a joke right now. He only refrains because Eddie’s grin says he’s thinking the same thing. 

“Look,” adds Eddie. “It was a good thing that I had nearly a week between that night and the first day at the 118 because I definitely needed some recovery time. And some time to reassess what I thought I knew about myself. So I did some research and some hands-on research and then Bobby walks into the locker room and you’re standing behind him. I mean, jesus Buck, I’ve never been that hard up for anyone in my life. You do things to me. Make me feel…”

Buck hates his cast so much right now. Hates it, hates it, hates it. Stupid fucking cast. 

“The sex was great. So great,” continues Eddie. “Then you met Christopher and you adored him. And somehow in the middle of it all, I convinced myself that if I tried to blend both worlds, the worlds where we had fantastic sex every other day with the one where you fit into our lives like you’d always been there, I’d put too much pressure on you. I didn’t want you to feel obligated to a relationship.”

Buck has to interrupt now. “Eddie, I would never have felt obligated. I love Christopher. I lo…” he stops. Falters. “All I ever wanted was you and everything that comes with you.”

“I know that now,” says Eddie. “Despite how horrible these last few weeks of fighting have been. But I didn’t then. I was scared. And then the bomb went off and I realized I hadn’t really been scared at all. Not yet. Not until I thought I was going to lose you. That I lo…”

He’s cut off as Christopher and Carla enter the room, Chris positively bouncing with energy. Talk about the worst timing ever. But Buck plasters a smile and squeezes Eddie’s hand and his heart settles a little bit.

* * *

On any given day, Buck would tell you he loves company. An extrovert to the core, being around people makes him happy. It energizes him. He would have said the only way he’d get through several days at the hospital between his surgeries would be with having people around. 

And he got them. His hospital room is a revolving door of friends, of his team, of Maddie, and of non-stop volunteers dropping off new gifts from the community. His favorites are the various local six-packs, from strangers who just noted that they figured he had enough flowers. It means the world to Buck.

It also means that he and Eddie haven’t had a chance to talk, since they haven’t had anymore alone time. 

Thankfully, Eddie seems to have been serious about wanting this to work, because he holds his hand in front of others, including Christopher, and kisses Buck hello and goodbye. 

His discharge day seems like the longest day ever between the checks and the charts and the endless refrain of “just waiting on results”. Always said with a far too peppy smile. But finally, finally, the last doctor comes in and officially discharges him and an orderly is there to wheel him out. Hospital policy of course. 

Eddie’s got his truck pulled up in front of the hospital when he’s wheeled out. 

“Hmm,” laughs Buck as he pushes himself up and onto his crutches, looking at the truck. “Guess we probably should have asked someone with a lower car to drive me home.”

“I got this,” answers Eddie. He comes behind Buck, sweeps him up into his arms and lifts him into the truck. 

“Well hey sailor,” jokes Buck. He swings his crutches to one arm and passes them to Eddie once he’s in his seat. 

Eddie wrinkles his nose. “Army, asshole.” He follows it up with a quick kiss and since Buck’s got a little leverage now that he’s not stuck in a hospital bed, he pulls Eddie and lengthens the kiss.

* * *

“Um, Eddie,” questions Buck as Eddie shifts the truck into park. 

“Yeah?”

“This is your place.”

“Yeah.”

“So, you’re supposed to be taking me home.”

Eddie looks at him like he’s crazy, which is just rude, since Eddie’s the one at the wrong house. “Buck, you live in an open loft.”

“I’m aware,” replies Buck. “I have a very nice couch.”

Eddie’s new look is pure disdain. “Okay, first off, if you think you’re climbing stairs in your condition, you’re insane. And if you think you’re spending the next eight weeks on a couch, you need to be committed. You’re staying with us.”

“What about Christopher?” asks Buck.

“He’s over the moon about the idea that you’ll be here with us.”

Buck hesitates. “What about…? I mean, have you told him? About us?”

“I thought maybe we’d do that together,” suggests Eddie, a hint of nervousness in his tone. “At least, if I wasn’t wrong to presume there is an us.”

“You’re not wrong,” replies Buck, soft but sure. He waits while Eddie comes around to his side of the truck, lets him help him down and settle onto his crutches. 

“Carla’s picking Christopher up from school today,” adds Eddie as they make their way inside. “He’s got some sort of science club thing afterwards, so I figured we’d have pizza waiting when he gets home.” Eddie motions for Buck to settle in on the couch. He moves around, getting pillows set up to elevate his leg, propping him up with more pillows at his back--and he had to have gone to the store at some point because Buck’s pretty sure there’s never been this many pillows in one house--then bringing Buck a glass of juice and a pain pill. 

“Eddie,” starts Buck, trying to figure out the best words. 

“Yeah Buck?” Eddie’s still moving around, almost too busy now, like he’s a little nervous too.

“I don’t want to be the back-up plan,” he says quietly.

Eddie stops. Sits down on the edge of the couch and focuses on Buck. “What?”

Buck takes a breath. “At the hospital, you said you let your fear get the better of you instead of just telling me you wanted me to be all in. And I am. I’m so all in it’s been breaking my heart for months. I just get scared that I’m the second choice. I don’t want to be the back-up because you lost Shannon. You shouldn’t have to settle for me.”

“Hey, hey, hey,” says Eddie, shushing him. “You have never, ever been my second choice. You are my first choice, Evan Buckley. I love you. And you will never be anything but my first choice.”

“You love me?”

Eddie doesn’t even hesitate. “I love you, Buck.”

“I love you too,” answers Buck. 

The kiss that follows is the one that makes Buck finally understand what the movies mean, what poetry is for, why there are never too many songs about love. So much is what he’s familiar with. The way Eddie’s always tentative at first, tongue just running along the seam, but grows bolder in the kiss and the ways his hands move up Buck’s shirt when Buck pulls him in deeper. They’ve kissed like this before. 

But this time, Buck isn’t wondering if there’s anything else behind it. He’s not counting this kiss as maybe his last one. This kiss holds the promise of all the time in the world behind it.

* * *

“Buck!” yells Christopher when Carla brings him home. “You’re here!”

Eddie laughs as he carries plates, napkins, and glasses of water into the living room. “I told you he was staying over here, bud.”

“I know, Dad,” says Christopher, in that long-suffering tone that it seems every kid has. “But hospitals like to keep you forever.”

“You’re telling me, kid,” says Buck, happily accepting the hug that Christopher carefully bestows. “You wanna sit with me?”

“Just be careful of Buck’s leg,” cautions Eddie as Christopher nods his head and wiggles into a spot against Buck’s hip. Eddie takes Christopher’s crutches and places them against the wall next to Buck’s, which makes both of them giggle. 

“Do you want pepperoni or everything, Buck?” asks Chris. 

“Both?” asks Buck, waiting to see if Christopher remembers. 

“Both,” says Christopher.

“Both is good,” they answer together, cracking up laughing again. 

Eddie laughs at both of them, but his eyes are bright and full of joy, and Buck will be the biggest dork on the planet if it keeps that look on Eddie’s face. “I take it we’re watching  _ “The Road to El Dorado” _ tonight?”

“Can we rent it?” asks Christopher.

Eddie shakes his head. “No.” He whips it out from behind his back. “Because I bought it instead!”

“Yes!” cheers Christopher. Buck beams at his boys and cheers as well. Kind of disgustingly, since it’s around a giant bite of pizza.

A couple hours later when the movie credits start rolling and Buck’s feeling like he’s the one who needs the early bedtime of a child, Eddie shuts the television off and turns to his son. “Hey Christopher,” he begins. 

“Yeah, Dad.”

“So, I know you’re really happy that Buck is staying with us, because he’s your buddy and we want him to be happy and safe. But um, Buck is very special to me. I want him to be my boyfriend and I really hope you’re okay with that.” 

Christopher is quiet for several minutes, to the point that Buck starts to worry. Judging by the look on Eddie’s face, he’s not the only nervous one. Finally, Christopher speaks, a truly puzzled tone in his voice. “I thought Buck was already your boyfriend, Dad.”

That was definitely not what Buck expected. 

Eddie echoes the sentiment. “What?”

“You kiss him lots more now, but you were super mushy for ages.”

“Super mushy?”

“Yeah. Like the movies. And you used to sing after Buck would come over and all the princesses sing about their prince in the movies.” Christopher makes a face. “Mushy.”

“So, you’re okay with this?” checks Buck.

“Ugh,” says Christopher. “I like Buck and he makes you happy, Dad. Can I go brush my teeth now? Mushy stuff is so boring.”

Eddie laughs and dismisses Christopher, who is all too eager to exit the room and the conversation. “You have to be kidding me,” says Eddie.

“All of our worries and fears,” starts Buck.

Eddie finishes it. “And he knew this whole time. And was totally okay with it. We are absolute idiots.”

Buck motions for Eddie to come over, getting a hand in his shirt and pulling him down for a kiss that he makes as filthy as he possibly can. “As long as from here on out, we’re idiots together.”

* * *

“How are you doing, Buck?” asks the doctor eight weeks later.

“Ready to get this cast off, Doc,” he answers. That’s kind of putting it mildly. He’s ready to start training again, though he did agree to take it slow. Eddie made him sit down and talk to Bobby and they had assured Buck that his spot would be there when he was healthy. 

Buck is also really happy to have the cast off for this weekend. Christopher is staying at Hen’s--she definitely insinuated a lot about how she thought the weekend would go--not that she’s wrong and so Eddie and Buck have the house to themselves. Eddie’s been impressively creative over the last eight weeks, having been set on proving that there were plenty of ways to enjoy themselves even with a broken leg. 

Buck can just think of a few dozen more ways that he can do now. 

He listens to the doctor’s instructions for at home care and happily walks himself out of the hospital. It feels a little bit weird to be going back to his own home though. After so many weeks at Eddie’s, Buck’s not even sure his place will feel like home. He’s so lost in his own thoughts that he doesn’t register they’re going the wrong way until Eddie turns onto his own street. “Um, wrong place, babe,” says Buck with a laugh. 

“Oh yeah, uh my bad,” replies Eddie. He won’t look at Buck though and seems very cagey.

“Eddie?” questions Buck.

Eddie stops in front of his house. “Okay, so here’s the thing Buck, I didn’t go to the wrong place. You belong here. With us. And you’re still recovering. You still have the pins and rod in your leg and it can’t be good for you to climb the stairs in that lonely ass bachelor pad. And at this point half your stuff is over here anyway and we can get the rest of it, so just stay. Please.”

Christopher sighs from the backseat. “Just stay, Buck.”

And while it seems like there’s something more going on with Eddie, Buck nods his head and says okay. 

When they get inside, there’s delivery from Buck’s favorite Mexican place and a cake on the table. 

They eat and relax and then Eddie brings out margaritas, tells Buck he’s only allowed to have one with the medications he’s still on (and a weak one at that). Even Christopher gets in on the fun with a virgin one. 

It’s a good night. 

As Buck goes to sip the last of his margarita though, he notices something at the bottom and fishes out a ring. 

“Eddie?” he questions, utterly bewildered. 

Eddie takes the glass out of Buck’s hands, sets it to the side and holds the ring just at the edge of Buck’s finger. It’s such a simple little piece of metal and Buck almost can’t see it for the tears that suddenly appear in his eyes. He uses his free hand to swipe them away.

“You brought joy into my life when I thought I had very little,” says Eddie. “And when most people would run screaming from the idea of a ready-made family, your first response was to look for ways to love Christopher, ways you found so easily.”

Christopher shuffles to Buck’s other side and pats his knee. 

“We’ve almost lost each other too many times already,” continues Eddie. “Sometimes because the world is scary, sometimes because we’re too stupid to recognize what we have. But you, Buck, you make both of us so very happy. So, while we invited you to stay through your continued recovery,” he nods at Christopher.

Christopher finishes the sentence as Eddie slides the ring onto Buck’s hand. “We’d like you to stay forever.”

“Yes,” whispers Buck. “Yes, yes, yes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly debated whether the last scene should have a key to the house or a ring and ultimately the ring won because I figured at this point they’ve been together for nearly a year despite all the angst and that once Eddie got over his fear and he and Buck had their earlier talks like the one at the hospital, Eddie’d be all in. And not really interested in being casual anymore. So he wants a promise.   
> Plus I mean, Buck probably already has a key. It’s Eddie’s house, he’s not really a guest. :D

**Author's Note:**

> I'm pretty sure there will be more in this particular verse, just because I started writing it thinking of a one-shot but then as I kept watching the episode I was like yeah, I'm super into the idea of Buck/Eddie being a secret thing from day 1.   
> And I mean come on, we almost died from a bomb in a guy's leg but we survived sex? Yeah that needs to be a thing that I write at some point.
> 
> Also not to go on forever in the notes, but seriously, this has been such a welcoming fandom and I'm so appreciative.


End file.
